Pink Lady & Jeff - Episode 2 (1980)

Directed by Rudy De Luca
Starring Pink Lady, Jeff Altman, Sid Ceasar, Larry Hagman, Donny Osmond, and Teddy Pendergrass
Genre: Variety show/Insanity

"Pardon me, ladies. You lost?"
"Yes!"

Well, the first one did OK in the ratings (no surprise, since everything was awful in 1980), so they banged out another episode. And since the first one was such a masterpiece, why fuck with the blueprint? Episode 2 opens the exact same way as the first one: Jeff comes out, does a few corny jokes (including a jab at their time-slot competition, Dukes of Hazzard) and then Pink Lady do their ripping-off-the-kimono-to-reveal-sexy-bathing-suit-underneath shtick. They lip-synch (as usual, very badly) to their version of "Ease on Down the Road" from The Wiz.

Eventually the Pink Lady dancers show up and everybody twirls big sticks. Walking sticks? Dunno. Anyway, the number gets wild applause.

Then there's the bit where the girls goof around with Jeff. They present him with a ceremonial robe.
"It symbolizes being a man," says Kei. "But you can wear it anyway."
Zing!
Then a Samurai warrior shows up and chases Jeff off the stage. The girls use this opportunity to announce this week's guests, which include Sid Ceasar, Teddy Pendergrass, and Larry Hagman (or, as Mie calls him, "A-Harry Hackman".)

After the break, Larry - wearing a JR-esque cowboy hat - comes out to take some jabs at Jeff. The whole bit is about how mean JR is, and how Jeff thinks Larry's like that in real life. It's pretty thin gruel, but Hagman's at least charming and cheerful.

Then it's back to the boombox routine from the pilot. The girls do their "Turn up the radio" number while dressed in skintight black jumpsuits. As in the first episode, they routinely cutaway to blackout gags with Altman and the Pink Lady comedy players.

In the first one, Altman's a preacher who uses his Jesus-powers to fix appliances.

In another, Jim Varney (Ernest!) does a promo for the "Bland Ole Opry".

This, in turn, spins off into another gag, "The Carter Family". As in Jimmy, Rosalyn and Amy. Ahem.

Next bit: Sid Ceasar plays Mie and Kei's dad, inspecting them before they go out on a date. Basically, he spouts Japanese-sounding gibberish for five minutes.
"Ugato! Ugato!"
"Eh?"
"Ugato! I can see your toes! What do you think you are, a bobbysoxer?"
Etc.

And then Donny Osmond shows up. He does a number with the girls, a medley that includes Donna Summer's "Heaven Knows", Dionne Warwick's "I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again", and of course, the rousing finale, "We Are Family". The latter bit sounds less canned than the rest. They might have sung it live. Pink Lady aren't close to nailing the words. "Fam-aree!" Also, I dig the goofy mustachioed bass player! That guy should have had his own show.

Hagman makes another appearance in Altman's recurring sketch about a shady bargain art dealer. He sells him a paint-by-numbers Mona Lisa. That's the entirety of the joke.

This morphs into a ponderous Sid Caesar-does-ballet routine. Then a dazed-looking Teddy Pendergrass shows up to sleepwalk through a song. Holy smokes, is this a bad episode.

Next up: the girls "visit" New York City, via gags and songs. New York is represented by cardboard buildings that appear to be reinforced with metallic duct tape.

They even drag Teddy into the fray. He's dressed like a guy who gives gondola rides, and he sings "On Broadway". What else?

There's also a bit where Larry Hagman takes Sid Ceasar out on a business lunch at a high-end strip club. He can't concentrate on the conversation. That's the gag.

And that, mercifully, brings us to the end of episode two. Well, almost to the end. They've still got to do the hot tub routine.

This time, all the guest stars are in the hot tub, too. Except for Donny. That fucker clearly knew when it was time to bail.

With it's lame guest stars, even lamer song and dance numbers, and recycled bits, the second episode of Pink Lady was, incredibly, even worse than the first. If nothing else, that's a remarkable achievement. And there's still four more to go!

- Ken McIntyre 

PS: Heaven Knows - Donna Summers' version -  was a pretty sweet jam.

Phenomena AKA Creepers (1985)

Directed by Dario Argento
Starring Jennifer Connelly, Donald Pleasence
Rated R
Italy

"You're exciting him. And he is doing his best to excite you."


Phenomena is a bat-shit crazy film, even by Argento standards. However I have to add, that unlike some of his more famous films, like Suspiria, the narrative is pretty straightforward. It's less of a dreamy, psychedelic mood piece and more of a supernatural giallo.

Utilizing the familiar trope of a student in from out of town, Jennifer Connelly stars as "Jennifer", daughter of a rich and famous actor who is sent to an all girls school. Unbeknownst to Jennifer, and the rest of the students, there is a killer on the loose. And as the movie develops, it makes itself apparent that Jennifer is no ordinary girl. First she suffers the liability of sleep walking. Where she witnesses a murder in her sleep, only to fall off of a balcony, stumble into the road, and get hit by a car driven by two horny guys. But instead of taking her to the hospital, they drive off with her and intend to rape her, but she escapes.

Then she stumbles into Professor John McGregor's (Donald Pleasence) house/lab. He is a wheelchair bound entomologist (a science that focuses on insects) with a monkey for an assistant. It isn't long before the next unusual aspect of Jennifer is revealed: that she shares an unusual bond with insects. This becomes comically apparent, when a bug she is holding in her hand begins to discharge a sex pheromone in an attempt to woo her. Dr. McGregor remarks that it isn't even mating season. Rich stuff.

After another misadventure, the headmistress of the school becomes convinced that Jennifer is crazy, on drugs, or both. Jennifer even walks in on the girls reading pages from her journal out loud, with the headmistresses approval. Once Jennifer snatches her pages away, they immediately taunt her for her kinship with insects. Jennifer has enough, and has a breakthrough moment, where she gathers her energy and summons the insects outside to her. Everyone present is alarmed because a swarm of flies threaten to break through the windows.

After this episode, she is admitted to and escapes from a mental hospital. And after consulting with the good Doctor she is sent on a corpse finding mission. How is she going to find a corpse? By following a fly.

The entire premise of the film hinges on the believability of a young girl having a psychic connection with insects. In the world Argento presents, this doesn't seem too far-fetched. The general mood of the film is somber, with brief instances of intense commotion, which are accompanied by metal music. Specifically Iron Maiden's "Flash of the Blade", and Motorhead's "Locomotive". While this tactic has it's detractors, I think it works.

There are a couple of things that throw me off about the movie though. Right out of the gate, it is the narration. Firstly, this movie needs no narration, it's straightforward enough as it is. Secondly, the narration it has is limited to one scene, and comes out of nowhere. It's so jarring, that it will take you right out of the movie.

Another thing that bothers me, is the fact that immediately following any traumatizing episode, Jennifer instantly calms down. It is almost as if her adrenaline immediately evaporates and she defaults to a calm, and content place. As a viewer, this throws me off. It is very incongruent with the circumstances, and makes zero narrative sense.

Despite its flaws, Phenomena is still a great movie. Argento is one of the few Italian genre filmmakers to be afforded the budget to make a great looking film. And he knows how to use the tools at his disposal. Even though the plot is off the wall, the presentation is fucking classic. The lighting, and mood is unabashed modern gothic. This is a world where you believe a girl can harness the power of insects. The glint of polished metal is here as well, as Argento continues his seemingly fetishizing of cold, hard, steel. Marking the act of murder as an elegant art.

In Phenomena, a baby-faced Jennifer Connelly faces horny insects, straight-razor bearing monkeys, murderous psychopaths, and a hostile school environment. All of this is held together with the glue of Goblin's brilliant score. Most fans would package Phenomena in Dario Argento's b-roll. And maybe this is fair, but it deserves to be seen.

-BoDuley

Pink Lady & Jeff - Episode 1 (1980)

Directed by: Rudy DeLuca
Starring Pink Lady, Jeff Altman, Sherman Hemsley, Bert Parks
Genre: Variety show/Insanity

"I loved the song, I just didn't realize your honorable ancestors had boogie fever."

Everybody loves a good train wreck - at least on television - and they don't come much wreck-ier than this. Pink Lady (AKA Mei and Kei) was a popular Japanese singing duo - popular in Japan, that is - who happened to catch the eyes and ears of NBC president Fred Silverman, who saw a potential goldmine in the disco-pop duo. Without nary a whiff of homework, he signed the bewildered Japanese dolls to a contract and roped in psychedelic kiddie-show kingpins Sid and Marty Krofft to produce a weekly Pink Lady-hosted variety show. There was, however, one major stumbling block to this operation: the girls didn't really know how to speak English.

In these more sober times, that devilish detail would be a deal breaker. But this was 1980, brother, and anything could happen in the 1980's. And so Sid and Marty forged on. Schlubby comedian Jeff Altman - probably most well-known, if at all, for a series of Arby's commercials in the mid 1980's - was signed on to smooth over the rough spots, and a cast of low-watt yucksters were recruited (including a pre-Ernest Jim Varney) for further distractions. Ultimately, it all proved futile, and all Pink Lady could really do was (badly) lip-synch their phonetic-English versions of hit pop and disco tunes and push Jeff into a hot tub at the end of every show. There were also a few bewildered guest stars (Lorne Greene! Larry Hagman!) and some surprise (and weird, and godawful) duets as well, including Pink Lady with Donny Osmond and Pink Lady with...erm, Greg Evigan.

Suffice to say, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

The pilot opens with a montage of Mei and Kei playing in stadiums and rolling around in limos, cut with scenes  from the show. And then Jeff Altman comes out. No Pink Lady, just Jeff. He does a pretty painful monologue ("I wish my parents could be here to see me, but they're over at the studio next door, watching Merv Griffin interview his suit"), and then he introduces Pink Lady. They come out with Kimonos and sing in Japanese for a couple seconds, and then rip those off to reveal matching pink dresses underneath. And then they lip-synch to "Boogie Wonderland". Eventually, they're joined by a bunch of over-ripe, crazy-eyed dancers, who at least offer a distraction from the girls' not-even-close lip-dubbing.

Anyway, after that travesty, the girls saunter down to the lower-stage to goof around with Jeff. He goofs on them for not knowing English very well, and Mei changes the subject by telling him she thinks he's handsome. His reply: "Oh, you're just turned on by my round eyes." Ha ha, what?

Then there's a gag about how the girls have a bodyguard (a sumo wrestler busts through the wall) and then, mercifully, the bit comes to a close when Mei and Kei announce tonight's guests: Sherman Hemsley ("Chermin Humsley"), Bert Parks, and Blondie ("Blundie").
"And don't forget our bodyguard-o friend here," adds Jeff. "He might come on the show later and swallow a Dastsun."
Oof.

In the next segment, the girls dress up in spandex and dance in front of a giant boombox. Every so often, the camera zooms into one of the speakers, which opens up to reveal a hilarious skit waiting inside! In one, Jeff plays a pompadour'ed preacher trying to cure disco-obsessed Mei from hearing loss by hitting her on the head.

In another, he plays a brain-dead boxer being interviewed by a hot redhead (Anna Mathias).

And in yet another hopeless gag, the girls dress up like the Supremes and Jeff does a soul-powered Richard Nixon impression. This is in 1980, mind you.

Next, Jeffersons' star Sherman Hemsley drops by to goof around with the gang. Somehow or another this leads us to a another skit wherein Pink Lady play sailors watching a USO gig at the first all-girl army base.

Jeff plays some kind of medallion-wearing, bare-chested stud. And then Sherman Hemsley (in shorts) does an Andrews Sisters send-up. Hilarity does not ensue.

So then Bert Parks comes out. He used to host the Miss America pageant. They have a guy dressed up like him somersault onto the stage, to give the impression that he's still spry. Pink Lady act super-excited, even though they clearly have no idea who he is. Burt introduces a skit, which turns into another skit - neither of which feature Pink Lady - and then they show a Blondie video. "Shayla". Horrible song.

There's a short skit called "The Adventures of the Pink Falcon" wherein Pink Lady are jewel thieves and Jeff is a Cagney-esque gumshoe. Pretty stupid, but at least the girls wear black leather jumpsuits for it.

Next up: A Tonight Show parody. Jeff, naturally, does his Carson impression. The girls are serious marble-mouths in this segment. Who knows what they're talking about? All I can say for sure is they show a television ad Pink Lady did in Japan for some weird product - looks like a portable smoke alarm? - and then they introduce a Japanese stand-up comedian, "Shecky Nakamoto" (Richard Lee-Sung). He does his act in Japanese. It's the funniest part of the show so far.

And then Bert Parks and Sherman Hemsley come back for a long and pointless "salute to old Hollywood". There's a Kissinger joke in there. That's all I remember.

And there's a Howard Cosell meets Marilyn Monroe thing, too. Sketch comedy gobbledy-gook.

Finally, we reach our finale. Jeff comes out with Pink Lady and says, "Girls, I think we're going to make a great team."
"Don't bet on it!" Snaps Kei. Truer words may have never been spoken.

And then they lip-synch their cover of James Taylor's (by way of Carole King's) "You've Got a Friend". Or, more accurately, "You've Got a Fwend".

You figure that would be enough 'entertainment' for one evening, but nope. Suddenly, a full rock band appears out of nowhere and the ladies launch into "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow". There's even some psychedelic video effects!

They finish up with their Engrish take on "Knock On Wood". Not one word of it is understandable. Complete gibberish. Sort of adorable gibberish, but gibberish nonetheless.

Oh yeah, and then they take off their dresses and change into bikinis!

And then they dunk Jeff into the hot tub. This part, I like.

So ends the pilot. Any sane group of individuals would take a hard look at the horror they just created and close down production, but clearly the lunatics had taken over the asylum, because Pink Lady and Jeff hobbled along for another five magnificent episodes.

Stay tuned.

- Ken McIntyre