AKA California Cheerleaders Directed by Alex E Goiten Starring Elizabeth Lordan, Jamie Jensen, Lynn Hastings, Gloria Upson Rated R USA
"You girls are about as much fun as an autopsy."
Cheerleaders Beach Party does not open with a party. It opens with stock footage of a college football game, complete with rambling and unrelated commentary from someone who sounds like an over-caffeinated grandpa. Love him or hate him, you've got to give it to Chuck Vincent - he knows how to lower your expectations almost instantly. Just about anything would be better than generic football footage, retarded rambling, and a seriously awful junk-disco number, so when we cut to the first cheerleader shower scene two minutes later, we are eternally grateful, so happy to be done with that opening sequence that we'll forgive the shower caps and squirt guns. It is sort of odd that all four actresses are crowded into a regular bathroom shower together - doesn't seem like an actual locker room shower would be that hard to secure for an afternoon - but cheerleader boob is cheerleader boob, so whatever.
CB Party was not actually directed by Chuck Vincent, he merely wrote it. Alex E Goiten (Cherry Hill High) helmed this one, utilizing most of Cherry Hill High's cast and crew. Clearly, we have a rare meeting of sexploitation legends on our hands here: Goiten's somnambulant directorial flair mashing head-on with Vincent's witless script. Plus, it's got cheerleaders! And disco! How could this not be a major disasterpiece?
Well, our boys do not disappoint. Or they totally do, depending on your viewpoint.
Monica (Elizabeth Lordan), Toni (Jamie Jensen), Sissy (Lynn Hastings), and Sheryl (Gloria Upson) are Rambling University's loyal cheerleading squad. When, over beers at the local tavern, they fund out that three of Rambling U's star football players (all of whom look about 35 and sport Burt Reynolds mustaches) are being actively wooed by their rivals, State University, the girls vow to sabotage SU's conference and destroy their team by any means necessary. As long as 'any means' includes having sex with football players. They steal the coach's van (they leave him with their heart-festooned convertible), and away they go. Cue the on-the-road montage, complete with skinny dipping and, erm, tent pitching.
The girls get to wherever the fuck State U is and spend most of their time at the beach, spying on the football tryouts with binoculars. One of the already-recruited mustache dudes, Mitch (Rick Gitlin,Squeeze Play), takes a liking to Monica and invites her out to a bar, where they dance to a lite-psych band and the other girls pick up hillbillies in overalls.
Later on, Rambling U's football team strolls in with a trio of awesomely named hussies: Honey (Shoshana Ascher, Night of the Zombies), Sugar (Malvina Golden), and Ginger (Cheri Southie). "Sounds like a recipe for fruitcake," deadpans Toni. The girls exchange catty comments, and as they're leaving, Toni crawls under a table and gives Honey the hot-foot. The fuckin' hot-foot, man. Who even knew that existed outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons?
That night, Sheryl has sex with the redneck kid, which convinces him to transfer to Rambling U. So the plan is apparently working.
The next day, the dean hosts a cocktail party for his potential new players. State U's recruiter, Mr Langley (John Hart) instructs the hussies to keep our cheer-girls at bay. "What I want you girls to do," he says, "Is keep an eye on those Rambling U guys. And don't let those preposterous pom pom pussycats anywhere near them!" He says this, by the way, exactly like Sylvester the Cat. An interesting acting choice.
Our heroines will not be stopped by a trio of hair-twirlers with confectionary names, so they dress up like maids and do their best to fuck up the party. They spike the punch (the inserted sound effect of the bottles emptying into the punch is hilarious - it is clearly the sound of someone dumping water into a toilet bowl) and serve pot brownies. The usual mayhem ensues, i.e. pool dunkings, inappropriate toplessness, old ladies dancing with their skirts hiked up, and food fights, including at least one banana cream pie.
Turns out everybody loved the party, though. Particularly the football players, who especially enjoyed throwing food at each other. So, that plan kinda backfired.
Then they pretend they're ghosts. You know, like in Sccoby Doo, with white sheets and flashlights. I know, man, I know. Where's the fucking beach party already? Well, they finally have it, but it's pretty underwhelming. There's a few Chinese lanterns and some disco, and the girls do some of their routines. And then they strip-cheer, which would have been fantastic, were it not in the dark, and were the girls a bit more attractive. The climax? A campfire singalong of House of the Rising Sun. Does that sound like it's worth an hour of tedium to you? The party is not the climax - the girls have more sabotaging and soul-searching to do - but it might as well be, because nothing of any interest happens afterward. Or before, really.
Given its title, Cheerleaders Beach Party held a lot of promise. I mean, cheerleaders AND a beach party - that's two great tastes that taste great together. It had a bitchin' poster, as well. Unfortunately, nothing connects here. The dialogue is beyond lame, there's no action, the nudity is brief, the cheerleaders are only passably good looking, and the disco theme is annoying. A complete misfire. Sadly, no boners will be popped today.
Availability: Cheerleaders Beach Party is available on DVD.
AKA Carnal Madness AKA Bad Girls Directed by Greg Corarito Starring Colleen Brennan, Buck Flower, Michael Pataki Rated R USA
"I've never made it with a chick in a trance before."
One of the more bizarre drive-in also-rans of the 70's - and that's saying a mouthful - Delinquent School Girls is a weird and grimy bit of rough-stuff, padded with enough absurd humor and campy performances to squeak by as a black comedy, if you're drunk or jaundiced enough to shrug off multiple rape sequences. If not, well, you're in for a queasy ride.
Director Corarito was no stranger to softcore scuzz. His previous credits include the eyeball-scorching Wanda, the Sadistic Hypnotist (1969) and the 'dirty western' Hard on the Trail (1971). Odds are, he shot more than a few hardcore loops on the side, as well. Certainly that dank, just-get-'em-out 70's porno vibe permeates School Girls through and through, from the dead-eyed performances of the little lost girls to the he-man, always-on gusto of stuntman-turned-thespian Bob Minor as the resident bone-daddy. It's all there, the violence, the lust, the drugs, the bad wigs, the kung fu girls and the mincing queen, a toxic cocktail of vice and tender flesh served up as good ol' balls-out American Bad Fun. But, much like Satan's Cheerleaders, Delinquent School Girls is actually two films at once. Its first half-hour is standard teensploitation, the tawdry tale of bad girls on a bum trip, complete with tits-out jumping jacks and behind-the-bleachers dope smoking. And then the mental patients show up, and it turns into a different sort of movie altogether.
So, the story. The film opens with a jarring electro-shock scene, clearly influenced by Cuckoo's Nest, right down to the faking-it aftermath. And then, somehow or another, three dangerous felons from the Hospital for the Criminally Insane bust out of their confines in the dead of night, heading for god-knows-what.
Cut to: The Oxford Corrective School for Young Women. It's the last day of classes before a vacation break, and all the girls are due to catch a bus ride out of town. All, that is, except for a handful of incorrigibles, bad-to-the-bone girls forced to stay on campus and think about what horrible things they've done. This motley crew includes, but is not limited to:
Stoner chick Madeline (Betty Johnson)
Feisty Carla (Big Tit model Roberta Pedon, RIP)
Penny, the always-horny one (Brenda Miller)
Feminist fist-fighter Greta ( porn starlet Colleen Brennan)
Innocent, wide-eyed Betsy (Jane Steele)
Sandy, the studious one (Kay Lange)
Alice, the stoner chick with the broken leg (Valerie Anderson)
And various other girls, including one gorgeous teacher's assistant, Miss Crowley (Zoe Grant).
If this seems like an awful lot of characters to keep up with, well, it is, especially when the film randomly adds and subtracts girls as it rolls along. Anyway, after a laborious lecture from the absurdly uptight headmaster Dr. Baxter ( prolific X actor John Alderman, one of Gary Graver's main-men), the girls in question are let loose. Greta, clearly the leader of the gang, wants to teach that mean old Baxter a lesson, so she instructs all the girls not to wear bras to gym class.
"We'll show that chauvinist pig!" she says. And then there's a braless jumping jacks scene. So that was pretty good. Later on, the girls lounge around in their dorm. Penny sniffs glue in her underwear and talks about sex-with-boys, saying stuff like, "A little stretching never hurt a girl." I like the cut of her jib.
Cut to: Ramshackle farm house. Ellie (Julie Gant) is booze-chugging harlot married to hard-working farmer Earl (Buck Flower). Playing completely against type (and against his own life-gulping personality), Buck's Earl is a sober man with intimacy issues: he is terrified of fucking his insatiably horny young wife. She berates him and then heads off to the bedroom, where she pulls out a vibrator and gets to work. Defeated and demoralized, Earl falls into fitful sleep in his rocking chair.
Cut to: Classroom. Betsy has an odd infatuation with the stuffy, 50-year old science teacher Mr. Miller (Ralph Campbell). "He reminds me of my uncle," she tells the other girls. After class, Mr. Miller asks her to help him bring some books home. She happily obliges, but once he gets her there, he doses her iced tea and hypnotizes her with a stuffed eagle.
"It's terribly warm in here, Betsy," he says, once she falls into a trance. "Why don't we remove some of those clothes?" He starts stripping her down, telling her how she will not remember a thing when she wakes. "You must remember," he intones, "to forget."
Meanwhile, there's an all points bulletin out for three escaped mental patients: Carl Clooney (Michael Pataki), the ringleader of the gang, a failed "mimic and impersonator" turned felon, Richard "Big Dick" Peters (Bob Minor), a serial rapist, and Bruce Wilson (Stephen Stucker) a "known homosexual". With the cops hot on their trail, the loony trio bust into Earl's house while he snoozes. Earl attempts to brawl with the villainous trio, but is quickly subdued. Dick, naturally, has his way with Ellie ("This is positively indecent!" she squeals, half-protesting), while Carl and Bruce swill bourbon and play the piano.
They force Earl to drink too, so he eventually gets too drunk to care about rape and home invasion, and just settles in on the couch with Carl, lamenting how fucked up the world has gotten. Earl asks the fellas if they'll lock him in a closet, so he can at least look like he struggled a bit. They grant him his wish. Then they steal his truck, and take off into the night.
Meanwhile, back at Girl School, everyone has left for the vacation break except for our resident bad-girls, who sit around doing sexy stuff: a little lesbian petting here, some topless push-ups, some suggestive Popsicle sucking. Just your average hot-bad girl's night in, really. That is, until the unholy three run out of gas just outside of the school. Hungry and exhausted (although I'm not sure why; they just left Earl's house ten minutes ago), they sneak into the school's back door.
The fellas find themselves in the school's kitchen, so they gorge on watermelon and baloney sandwiches. Fearing that the joint may actually be some sort of prison, they decide to bail as soon as they're done eating, but a couple of the girls walk in on them and start beating their brains in with rolling pins. The tables quickly turn, however, and the girls get raped. The actresses actually look freaked out by the scene. It sorta sucks all the fun out of the room. Miraculously though, once the forced sexin' is over, they all sit down to sip wine and goof around together. So, they're charming rapists, I guess. Wine tasting party over, Carl shoves the girls into a freezer for safe keeping.
Across campus, Betsy is visiting Mr. Miller again. She's dropped by to see his new collection of snakes. Non-poisonous snakes that look deceptively like rattlers. Betsy still doesn't suspect that she's become an unwilling sex slave. Before you know it, she's staring at that fuckin' eagle again, and crazy ol' Miller has her stripped down. Worse still, he's letting the snakes loose in her panties. What the fuck?
The marauders break in. Initially they plan on the usual rape and robbery, but the snakes freak them out, so they bail, while Miller has a heart attack on the floor. Betsy, however, is still oblivious to it all. Next, the boys bust into the gymnasium, where Alice and Madeline are getting stoned by the pool. The girls offer to smoke the strangers up, and the next thing you know, they're giggling and making out. But then Carl sticks the edge of a knife under Alice's chin. Naturally she freaks out, and kicks his ass into the pool. Dick jumps into save him and the girls attempt to escape, but get nabbed by Bruce. Then they disappear. Continuity is not this film's strong suit.
At some point later, two of the girls (Who knows which ones? At this point, it all becomes a blur of big tits and karate chops) run into Dick, who they attempt to kill by kicking him to death. Carl and Bruce intervene and make them wrestle in the dirt. It starts to become clear that Delinquent School Girls is less a narrative exploitation film than it is a series of sequences geared towards specific fetishes. Like girls in schoolgirl outfits? We got 'em. Big tits? Check. Rape fantasies, lesbians, girl-on-girl wrestling, even bestiality? Step right in, we have room for every fucking weirdo in here.
The guys find a car with the keys still in it, but before they can get the hell out of there, Dick manages to peep into yet another window to find all the girls not locked in freezers or left half-naked in the mud in the gym, practicing Karate. For whatever reason (because they are all crazy, I suppose), Carl decides they ought to bust in on them and, I swear, make them dance in a chorus line. Bottomless, no less. "I'm not taking my panties off for you or any man," growls Greta, which is sort of ironic, seeing that Brennan was a porn star.
Meanwhile Carla, bloodied and muddied, finally makes it to the highway, where she flags down a car. Two hippies pick her up, but instead of offering help, they try to ply her with booze and squeeze her enormous tits. "Oh, we'll help you," says the driver, "but first, let's clean off some of that mud and see what we've got to work with."
Mr. Baxter is still sitting in his office, reading bondage comics (!), oblivious to the horrors going on in the gym. A knock-down, drag-out fight between the feminist Kung Fu girls and the already beaten-to-shit bad guys ensue. You can probably figure out the rest.
Given its lurid title, Delinquent School Girls would've scored in mid 70's drive-ins and grindhouses regardless of its actual contents. I couldn't help myself either. The actual film is largely indefensible, though. It really is just a series of R-rated fetish loops lashed together with a bunch of standard exploitation tropes to flesh it out. Pataki, Minor, and Stucker literally attack their roles, to various levels of effectiveness. Minor's Big Dick is a half-retarded sex beast, a bizarre, muscle-bound cross between a blaxploitation superdude and a horny werewolf. Stucker does a full-on Paul Lynde, and Pataki laces his jokey exposition with lame-duck impressions (Nixon, Clark Gable, Cagney). Too cartoon-y to be authentically menacing, they instead come off as just really, really annoying. The girls are much more interesting to watch, with performances that range from convincingly bad ass (Brennan) to immaculately stoned (Anderson). Had Corarito made an entire film about the girls, this could have been a teen-trash classic, ala Trip with the Teacher or The Cheerleaders, but the shoe-horned fetish elements and these braying jackass mental patients often turn the otherwise dead-on 70's T&A-fest into a tedious and embarrassing mess.
Your call, really.
Graduation day? School Girls was Corarito's last official directing gig, but he stuck around the z-movie world for many years, eventually working for none other than Canucksploitation god Rafal Zielinksi. Pataki had a sweet gig for awhile as the voice of George Liquor on Ren & Stimpy. Bob Minor, now in his mid-sixties, is still acting and doing stunt work. Stucker died of AIDs in 1986. Colleen Brennan became one of the biggest porn stars of the 80's, and also acted (as Sharon Kelly) in Chuck Vincent's 1988 women-in-prison howler Slammer Girls. Buck Flower lived until he died, in 2004. Most of the other girls were one-time actors, including, unfortunately, the striking Zoe Grant. Her, I'd watch in anything. Well, not this again, but anything else.
Availability: Delinquent School Girls is available on DVD.
Directed by Bob Logan Starring Corey Feldman, Jack Nance, Sarah Douglas Rated R USA
"I collect rocks." "Wow, that's very boring of you."
Halfway through watching this, I felt so fatigued I had to lie down on the couch. I took a feverish hour-long nap wherein I dreamt I was shoved into a sweltering, overcrowded prison cell with four other dudes. I asked one guy what he was planning on doing that day. "I'm going to try to roll over," he said. It was very close quarters. I woke up with a start, and after shaking off the post-nightmare hangover, got back to work. When the film started rolling again, I realized why my subconscious dredged up a prison metaphor. Everyone in Meatballs 4 is such an unpleasant creep, you literally feel like you're trapped in the movie with them. You know, like you do in the first couple Texas Chainsaw Massacres. I'm pretty sure this is not the proper emotional response for a summer camp movie. It doesn't help that the camp is run by Jack Nance (Eraserhead). Not only is his performance seriously queasy - he's a mess of twitches, grimaces, beads of sweat, and grime - but it's always a little disturbing to see him in color and out of the Eraserhead universe, as if he'd somehow escaped, like Freddy Krueger in Nightmare on Elm St 2.
Nothing is right about Meatballs 4. It's not even a Meatballs movie, and even if it were, it would have arrived nearly a decade too late. Nobody had even thought about the Meatballs franchise in years, and both of the previous sequels were bombs. Furthermore, M4's star, Corey Feldman, was riding full-speed on his inexorable downward spiral by the early 1990's. No longer a beloved childhood actor and hobbled by his split from Corey Haim and whatever was up with that Michael Jackson phase he went through, Feldman entered adulthood with an excess of confidence that belied his actual position in Hollywood. In films like this and Rock N' Roll High School Forever (1991), he was horribly miscast in Ferris Buehler-esque roles that were meant to exude roguish charm, but he came off as petulant, desperate, and highly unlikable. Like a douchebag, in other words. In Meatballs 4, he is King of the Douchebags, so noxious that even the other douches in the movie - and there are many - don't even like him. I suppose that's impressive, in some twisted way.
Meatballs 4 actually started life as Happy Campers. That title would have been just as inaccurate, but slightly less misleading. Clearly someone at MGM thought slapping the Meatballs name on it might make it more palatable, somehow. Unfortunately, it just makes you wish you were watching an actual summer camp movie, like the original, or even Summer Camp, or Party Camp, or even Sleepaway Camp. At least those films had actual campers.
Before we get into the actual plot, I'd like to point out the level of comedy we're dealing with. Here's some dialogue from the 'getting off the bus on the first day and seeing some ripe bosoms wrapped in a halter-top scene':
Wes: "I'm getting a good feeling about this place." Howie: "I'm getting the same feeling." Victor: "I'm getting a woody!"
Or how about this zinger, uttered later on in the film, right before a game of 'jet ski chicken':
Ricky: "Wait, wait! I think I lost a contact lens!" Jennifer: "But Ricky, you don't wear contact lenses!" Ricky: "Oh yeah, right. Let's go!"
It never gets funnier than that. And that very barely registers as comedy in the first place.
And so, it's the last two weeks of summer. Lakeside is not actual a camp at all, it's a water-skiing school. Neil (Nance) has been running it for years with his granddaughter, Kelly (Deborah Tucker, Dr. Giggles). As the film begins, a yellow bus driven by a crazy old woman pulls up and drops off a load of assholes, bikini girls, and one fat kid, Victor (the awesomely named Johnny Cocktails). Mr. Cocktails does his best to act like the timid, put-upon chubbo in Meatballs 4, and although he is surely fat, he really seems to be faking the 'Gosh, did I do that?' actions of the character, particularly when he's being bullied. It's very distracting. He really seems like he ought to be chugging booze and banging that hot Asian chick, not flinching from the cruelties of the two idiots he's bunking with.
Said idiots are Wes (Bojesse Christopher) and Howie (J Trevor Edmond - these two even have jerky names in real life!), and both are exactly the same characters: sneering bullies who part their hair in the middle. The only reason they exist in this film is to torment - without humor - the fat kid. Again, these are horror movie characters shoved into a supposed comedy, and it's painful to watch. Besides bumbling around a bit, Victor never even does anything to incur their pathological wrath, except, perhaps, when he shrugs them off his back during the film's only discernible 'summer camp movie' sequence.
Wes and Howie decide to spy on the girls while they're showering, so they use Victor to to stand on so they can get a good view. Classic teen-sex hijinks for sure, and the shower shots provide a gratifying eyeful. And then a skunk comes trundling around the corner, causing Vic to freak out and drop the studs. They land in some conveniently-placed trash cans, covered in muck, and later Victor accidentally shoves them into the shower, while the girls scream and freak out. And for that, they torment him mercilessly for the rest of the movie. Dicks.
The plot, too, echoes the typical summer camp storyline. Sort of. Lakeside is having financial problems, and they've been forced to cut down their staff. Hoping to boost the school's status on the lake, Neil hires Ricky Wade (Feldman), the recreational director from rival, erm, resort Twin Oaks, to turn Lakeside around. Ricky arrives via parachute jump, plopping into the lake with a boombox strapped to his chest. He sloshes up to shore and is greeted with rapturous applause. Cue the first of many water-skiing montages, interspersed with literally painful gags like this:
A girl blows up a duck-shaped pool-float while Feldman watches her. "What are you doing?" She asks him, annoyed. "Wishing I were a duck," he says.
Many tedious minutes later, vampy Monica Shavetts (Sarah Douglas, instantly recognizable as Ursa, evil space-villain from Superman II), the wealthy owner of several summer resorts - including Twin Oaks - arrives at Lakeside to offer Neil half a million dollar for the camp. She wants to build a resort on the property. He, of course, flatly refuses. "You don't give a damn about this lake," he rattles. "All you're interested in is the money." Etc.
That night, Neil and Ricky throw a party in one of the cabins. A big-titted Asian chick (1992 Playboy playmate Cristy Thom) saunters up to the door. "Hi," she says to Neil. "My name's Hillary. My friends call me Hilly." "I bet they do!" Says Neil, ogling her cleavage. "Are you checking IDs tonight?" She asks. "Naw," says Neil. "Good!" Chirps Hillary. "Because all I brought was my IUD!" Later on inside the party, Wes walks up to Hillary and attempts to hit on her. She snorts. "You know, you really should stop buying your aftershave at yard sales." Of course, the only reason they party scene exists is so that Corey Feldman can do one of his Michael Jackson dance routines. When he finishes (with en especially gay flourish), he says, "Elvis has left the building!" He really says that. I understand that Bob Logan wrote the words for him, but I'm pretty sure that's what he would have said anyway.
As with any summer camp movie, there's a meet/contest with the rival camp/resort/ski school coming up. Neil figures that if they beat Twin Oaks in...competitive water skiing, I suppose...then they'll drive up their camper/student numbers.
And so, there's a nearly endless amount of water-ski footage to endure, punctuated with shots of the goony judges. Lakeside wins. Afterward, there's a 'strip charades' scene.
There's some eye-gouging subplots involving Ricky's relationship with Kelly and Victor's attempts to woo Hillary. Meanwhile, Monica's two stooges are dispatched to Lakeside to make life there miserable, so the campers/students/skiers will bankrupt Neil with refund requests. They throw live rats into the stew and force the campers/vacationers/etc. to strip naked at gunpoint in the woods.
They even add blue tempura paint into the water supply in the shower room, with hee-larious results.
And then they have another meet. I honestly don't know what happens then, because I couldn't take it anymore. I'm rooting for some sort of tragedy, though.
One of the least funny 'comedies' I've ever seen - and look around, man, I'm balls-deep in awful around here - Meatballs 4 is a massive failure on every level. As mentioned, it gave me a fucking nightmare. Chuck Vincent's movies might be terrible, but they never caused me to wake up in a cold sweat.
Meatballs V? Jack Nance is dead. Bob Logan made Repossessed two years before this, and toiled away in obscure TV shows ever since. Corey Feldman appeared in Lost Boys: The Tribe, which did nothing to help his cause. He remains one of the most repellent 'celebrities' ever. Johnny Cocktails is a busy character actor in some pretty meaty shows and movies, including Weeds, Pushing Daisies, Get Smart, and the upcoming Funny People. Dunno where Paige French is these days (she played Jennifer in this travesty), but her, we'd like to see more of.
Cheerleaders Beach Party does not open with a party. It opens with stock footage of a college football game, complete with rambling and unrelated commentary from someone who sounds like an over-caffeinated grandpa. Love him or hate him, you've got to give it to Chuck Vincent - he knows how to lower your expectations almost instantly. Just about anything would be better than generic football footage, retarded rambling, and a seriously awful junk-disco number, so when we cut to the first cheerleader shower scene two minutes later, we are eternally grateful, so happy to be done with that opening sequence that we'll forgive the shower caps and squirt guns. It is sort of odd that all four actresses are crowded into a regular bathroom shower together - doesn't seem like an actual locker room shower would be that hard to secure for an afternoon - but cheerleader boob is cheerleader boob, so whatever.
CB Party was not actually directed by Chuck Vincent, he merely wrote it. Alex E Goiten (Cherry Hill High) helmed this one, utilizing most of Cherry Hill High's cast and crew. Clearly, we have a rare meeting of sexploitation legends on our hands here: Goiten's somnambulant directorial flair mashing head-on with Vincent's witless script. Plus, it's got cheerleaders! And disco! How could this not be a major disasterpiece?
Monica (Elizabeth Lordan), Toni (Jamie Jensen), Sissy (Lynn Hastings), and Sheryl (Gloria Upson) are Rambling University's loyal cheerleading squad. When, over beers at the local tavern, they fund out that three of Rambling U's star football players (all of whom look about 35 and sport Burt Reynolds mustaches) are being actively wooed by their rivals, State University, the girls vow to sabotage SU's conference and destroy their team by any means necessary. As long as 'any means' includes having sex with football players. They steal the coach's van (they leave him with their heart-festooned convertible), and away they go. Cue the on-the-road montage, complete with skinny dipping and, erm, tent pitching.
The girls get to wherever the fuck State U is and spend most of their time at the beach, spying on the football tryouts with binoculars. One of the already-recruited mustache dudes, Mitch (Rick Gitlin, Squeeze Play), takes a liking to Monica and invites her out to a bar, where they dance to a lite-psych band and the other girls pick up hillbillies in overalls.
Later on, Rambling U's football team strolls in with a trio of awesomely named hussies: Honey (Shoshana Ascher, Night of the Zombies), Sugar (Malvina Golden), and Ginger (Cheri Southie).
That night, Sheryl has sex with the redneck kid, which convinces him to transfer to Rambling U.
The next day, the dean hosts a cocktail party for his potential new players. State U's recruiter, Mr Langley (John Hart) instructs the hussies to keep our cheer-girls at bay.
Turns out everybody loved the party, though. Particularly the football players, who especially enjoyed throwing food at each other. So, that plan kinda backfired.
Then they pretend they're ghosts. You know, like in Sccoby Doo, with white sheets and flashlights. I know, man, I know. Where's the fucking beach party already? Well, they finally have it, but it's pretty underwhelming. There's a few Chinese lanterns and some disco, and the girls do some of their routines. And then they strip-cheer, which would have been fantastic, were it not in the dark, and were the girls a bit more attractive. The climax? A campfire singalong of House of the Rising Sun. Does that sound like it's worth an hour of tedium to you? The party is not the climax - the girls have more sabotaging and soul-searching to do - but it might as well be, because nothing of any interest happens afterward. Or before, really.
Given its title, Cheerleaders Beach Party held a lot of promise. I mean, cheerleaders AND a beach party - that's two great tastes that taste great together. It had a bitchin' poster, as well. Unfortunately, nothing connects here. The dialogue is beyond lame, there's no action, the nudity is brief, the cheerleaders are only passably good looking, and the disco theme is annoying. A complete misfire. Sadly, no boners will be popped today.
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