The Student Body (1976)

Directed by Gus Trikonis
Starring June Fairchild, Jillian Kesner, Janice Heiden
Rated R
USA
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The Student Body opens in explosive grindhouse fashion, with an all-out, hair-yanking, eye-gouging cat fight in the laundry room of a woman's prison. That's sort of a weird place for a movie about college girls to start, but who's gonna argue?

Turns out that the local college is conducting a sociological experiment. The warden (Thomas Eberle, clearly slumming it from his gig on the Edge of Night soap opera) does a terrible job of explaining what the experiment is actually about, but the upshot is, the three main brawlers from the laundry room melee get to go to college for a semester. If they don't kill anybody or burn the place down, they get paroled. Sounds too easy, right? Well, strap in, sleaze-beasts. Evil is afoot.

Dr. Blalock (still-kicking TV actor Warren Stevens, looking here like a boozy ex-boxer) is the college prof behind the experiment. He picks three of his male students to keep an eye on the jailbirds. Two of them look like Vanilla Fudge roadies. The other dude looks like Fred from Scooby Doo. The Fred guy says, "Says here my girl is prone to violent outbursts and...pranks! Sir, I bruise easy!"
Dr. Blalock assures him everything'll be alright. And then he rushes off, because the girls are about to arrive. They will, of course, be staying at the venerable professor's gigantic mansion.


The girls arrive and meet the prof's fancy-pants wife Connie (Judith Roberts, the crazy ghost lady from Dead Silence) and his scuzzball son Carter (Peter Hooten, from Inglorious Bastards, among a zillion other Italian b-flicks). Right off the bat, the girls are snotty:
Mrs. Blalock: "So, what should I call you, then?"
Carrie (Julian Kessner): "You can call me a cab."
Mrs. Blalock: "Very well then, you're a cab."

The good doctor gives his rowdy charges some pills, tells 'em they gotta take them every day. Apparently, they'll "ease the anxiety of taking classes and meeting the students."
"Doc," says Chicago (Janice Heiden), "Have you ever been to jail? I'm pretty sure we can handle college."

Yeah well, wait 'til those goofballs kick in, smartass.

Later on, there's a very Starsky and Hutch style meeting between Dr. Blalock and some sweaty bearded guy, where they discuss the experiment. Some bullshit about side effects and the military. Whatever. That night, the professor throws a party for the girls. Mitzi (June Fairchild, aka the Ajax Lady from Up in Smoke!) strips naked and jumps in the pool. I sort of expected something a little wilder, but bare-ass is bare-ass. Everybody else jumps in, too. It's a pretty fun party.


Next day, the girls take a whirlpool. There is no reason for this scene except to show their tits. Bravo, Mr. Trikonis. Afterwards they sit around tossing dice and talking about dudes.
"Phil's got big feet," notes Chicago.
"What's that mean?" asks Carrie.
"It means he's got a big ding dong," says Mitzi.
Does this sound like the kind of conversation hardened criminals would have?


When the girls go to bed, it's revealed that they're being watched by some fat fucker in the basement. He's got a row of TV monitors in there. From the beads of sweat rolling down his neck, it looks like he's enjoying the gig.

The girls start their first week of college, and right off the bat, their behavior seems to be changing. Carrie gets smart all of a sudden, Chicago turns into a violent, sex-obsessed maniac and Mitzi - who was goofy enough as it is - starts ranting about penguins. Despite all this, Dr. Blalock lets the girls out for a night on the town, and it turns into an orgy of crime. Mitzi smashes a store window with a garbage can and steals a giant stuffed penguin.


Chicago tries to rape this dude and then gets into a righteous back-alley cat fight with the dude's girlfriend, almost drowning her in a barrel.
"Christ," Chicago says, as they make a quick escape, "I'm freaked."


The next day Carrie gets up in the middle of class and starts raving about society. She picks up the teacher's ashtray and whips it against the wall and says, "Can't you see? I'm you! I'm the student body!" And then she runs away. It's pretty awesome.

Back at the mansion, Dr Blalock is lamenting his involvement in this whole mess. "The girls are going slowly mad," he grouses to his wife. He takes a gulp of brandy. "And you smell like a French whore."


Anyways, since Carrie is a super-genius, she figures out who's behind this nefarious experiment, but not before Mitzi bashes a guy's head in with an ashtray. Things get progressively more nihilistic, but fear not: it all ends with giggling and a hummable soft-rock number.

One the one hand, The Student Body is guilty of the classic drive-in bait and switch: the poster clearly pushes the T&A angle, but the boobs-baring is abandoned twenty minutes in as the film settles into a TV movie-esque action-drama. But given the natural beauty of the three leads and the exploitation flick pedigree of its creators, trash-fiends will have little to complain about, really.

Director Gus Trikonis began his career as an actor in the early 60's. He appeared in West Side Story, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, and in '67 biker flick The Hellcats, among others, before switching to the other side of the camera for a long and eventful career in directing. His early directorial efforts are pure, hi-octane trash: Five the Hard Way (1969), Supercock, The Swinging Barmaids (both 1975), The Student Body, Moonshine County Express (1977), The Evil (1978). By the end of the 70's, he had settled comfortably into television movies and episodes, and his propensity for the genre is obvious even here, from the cars-crashing-through-boxes to the cheeseball cue music (bongos, trumpet blasts, acid-rock guitar). Its' bubblegummy stuff, for sure, but peppered with loony characters and layered with mid 70's grit. The script was written by Hubert Smith, who had a brief but eventful career as a screenwriter. Besides this and very entertaining John Saxon/Claudia Jennings hicksploitationer Moonshine County Express, he wrote 1978's Night Creature (AKA Devil Cat), a man-versus-nature nail-biter that pits a bug-eyed Donald Pleasance against a seemingly unkillable black panther, and the infamous Rosy Grier groaner The Glove (1979), about a nutty ex-con with a giant metal glove that can smash cars into bits. I like the way this guy thinks. Too bad he hasn't written a script for thirty years. But you just know he's out there somewhere, thinking up some crazy shit.


All three of the lead cons-cum-college students give credible performances, especially in light of how silly the premise is. Jillian Kessner, the smart one, pulled off the brains n' beauty bit admirably. The Student Body was her acting debut, and she went on to have a pretty steady career in television - she even appeared in the legendary, canceled-after-one-episode Animal House rip-off Coed Fever (1979). Unfortunately, she died from Leukemia in 2007.


Janice "Chicago" Heiden also had a lucrative run as a television character actor, but dropped out of the business in the mid-1980's.


Easily the most memorable actress of the three was June Fairchild, who essayed the role of penguin-centric Mitzi with a convincing mad-woman gleam in her eye. June's acting career was relatively brief, but quite eventful. From weirdo sports-murder flick Pretty Maids All in a Row (1971) to blaxploitation classic Detroit 9000 (1973), from the Monkees' freak-flick Head(1968), to Cheech and Chong's stoner epic Up in Smoke (1978), Fairchild had all the makings of a cult star. But her film appearances dried up abruptly at the end of the 70's, and she wasn't heard from again until 2001, when it was reported in the Los Angeles press that she had fallen on hard times over the years, suffering a crippling addiction to drugs and alcohol. She had served time in jail and was, at the time the story was written, homeless.

But, just as Mitzi did in The Student Body, Fairchild rallied at the last minute. With a little help from her friends (including Clint Eastwood, who she co-starred with in 1974's Thunderbolt and Lightfoot), she bested her demons and turned her life around. We are still awaiting her inevitable comeback, but until then, there's always the penguin incident.

And, of course, the Ajax Lady.



Availability: The Student Body is available on VHS.
Buy The Student Body on Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

Hollywood Zap (1986)

Directed by David Cohen
Starring Ivan Roth, Ben Frank, De Waldron
Rated R
USA

"Your sweet taters are of no interest to this firm."

I had high hopes for Hollywood Zap, because it had "Hollywood" in the title, which usually means that raunchy fun is on the menu: see Hollywood Hot Tubs or the Hollywood Squares for two prime examples of that theory. "Zap" is another code word for teenage kicks, as in the sound laser guns make, or an underground comic book by R Crumb, or even Zapped!, starring Scott Baio and Willie Ames. So you can see my excitement.

Alas, as with many things in the 80's, the flashy exterior revealed a loathsome emptiness inside. There are two quotes on the VHS cover, and neither of them are attributed to any actual writers. On the top, it says: "Absolutely, Unbelievable..."
The comma in between is disturbing to me. Try saying it out loud. It makes no sense. Only a maniac would write that. On the bottom of the box, under the credits ("co-starring Chuck "Porky" Mitchell!), it says "Not since Laurel and Hardy, Abbot and Costello, or Martin and Lewis has any comedy team been so hilarious!!" That's how it's written, with the underline and the two exclamation points. The quote is right next to the Troma logo, so maybe they mean Herz and Kaufman, because they certainly can't be talking about our cringe-worthy leads, can they?

The cover art features a pigtailed blonde in a bikini, a punk-rocker shooting a hand-gun, a car busting through some barricades, and a fat man eating chicken. Only the fat man makes an appearance in the actual film. The back cover blurb promises a "riotous, action-packed comedy" about "the misadventures of a mismatched pair of buddies" and "an incredibly sexy punk rocker", but it is actually a lame, gag-heavy family drama with bizarre homoerotic overtones and moments of confusing absurdity. And the "incredibly sexy punk rocker" is actually sorta stubby and moon-faced.

As the movie opens, we are introduced to "Downer" (Ivan Roth), a gangly kid with thick glasses who works at some horrible lingerie store for plus size women. Even if Roth is southern, his hick accent sounds atrociously phony, and he is immediately annoying. He seems to have been patterned after Kevin, the "7 Up" kid from Repo Man. In fact, the whole movie seems to be ripping off Repo Man, only without an ounce of wit, or talent, or sense. Downer's father ran out on his family when he was a baby, and his one desire since then was to find him. He's finally made enough scratch selling bloomers to drive to LA - his father's last known address - to find the old man. And off he goes. Along the way, he picks up an obnoxious middle-aged hitchhiker named Nash (Ben Frank) who immediately shits in his front seat. This becomes a bonding moment for the two men.

Nash explains that he's a former stock broker who cracked under the pressure of his go-go-go existence and ended up in an asylum, where they just happened to have video games as therapy. He got extraordinarily good at Zaxxon (a game that sucks, by the way), and once he was released, he became a video arcade hustler. So that's why he's hitching to Hollywood, to meet Kong, the ultimate Zaxxon champ of all, and resoundingly defeat him. The two part ways once they get into the city. Downer attempts to hire a chicken-eating private detective to help him find his father, but can only pay him in "Sweet taters". The detective declines. He also visits his weird uncle Lucas (Claude Earl Jones), who owns a motel and offers him a place to stay, but then starts slobbering on Downer's ear. Ick!



Meanwhile, Nash and his new girl, the mute, half-pint punker Tee-Tee (De Waldron) are doing the Zaxxon hustle. When threatened, Nash goes after his aggressor with this absurd modified stapler, and they run in fear. And life goes on.

Ultimately, Downer and Nash meet up again. Nash helps his nerdy buddy break into the detective's office to find the info on his dad. He finds his father's new address, but when he gets there, he is understandably shocked to find out that his long-lost pa has become a transsexual nun! He responds to this information with uncharacteristic aggression: he beats the screaming, crying man into submission and storms away in a huff. Seems sorta hate crime-y to me.


Nash meets his elusive prey as well, but Kong turns out to be a panicky dwarf (Bad Santa's Tony Cox) who runs in fear as soon as Nash shows up. So, nobody's satisfied. Downer decides to go back home, and in a surprising move, Tee Tee jumps into the car with him and they zoom off. Nash doesn't seem to disappointed. She was sorta pudgy anyway.

For a supposed teen sex comedy, there is zero sex in Hollywood Zap and only one flash of nudity, care of "sex staved California beach bunny" Debbie (Annie Gaybis, who later went on to marry TV comedian John Byner).


The only teen-com tradition that Hollywood Zap adheres to is the inclusion of a really awful synth-driven dance song ("Video Queen" by Shawn O'Brien- listen to it HERE). Ben Frank (who also served as producer of this mess) went on to a few bit parts in sitcoms like Head of the Class and Who's the Boss before dropping dead of a heart attack in 1990. Ivan Roth was a zombie in Night of the Creeps, a mummy in an episode of Tales from the Crypt, and the creature in the loony Blue Monkey, but hasn't acted since 1994. De Waldron also worked that Mohawk in Suburbia, and then disappeared. Director David Cohen also wrote the screenplay for Friday the 13th part 5 and then split Hollywood to find gainful employment elsewhere.

Honestly, you have better things to do than watch this foolishness. Even a game of fuckin' Zaxxon would be more entertaining.

Availability: Hollywood Zap is available on VHS.
Buy Hollywood Zap at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

Hot Times (1974)

Directed by Jim McBride
Starring Henry Cory, Gail Lorber, Amy Farber, Steve Curry
Rated R
USA
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"Hey Ma, he's making a milkshake all over the sheets."

There is no plot to this film, only a simple premise: Archie needs to get laid for the first time. Archie, you say? Yes, this is yet another raunchy sex comedy that borrows heavily from the world of Archie Andrews. That is, in fact, our protagonist's name, and he even wears a bowtie. He's much shabbier than the comic book version, though - picture Ben Stiller on a Thunderbird and cigarettes diet - and his version of Riverdale looks suspiciously like the Bronx. But he does have a gal-pal named Betty, and another one named Ronnie, as well as frien-emy called Reggie and a BFF named...well, Mughead, but close enough.

And that's really as clever as it gets. The entire script plays like a Borscsht Belt stand-up comedy routine from 1952, and rarely, if ever, lets up with the onslaught of tired gags. Stuff like this:

"Hey Arch, I got a new Polack joke for ya."
"Sure, Reg, but remember, Mughead is Polish."
"Ok, I'll say it slowly, then."

The production values are sub-porn; the whole film appears to have been shot with natural light and the boom mike is visible in half of the scenes. The girls are constantly peeling their clothes off, though, and every skin-on-skin scene looks like it could easily devolve into hardcore porn at any moment. So, even through the murk and sloppy editing, Hot Times keeps you on your toes. You'll have to squint, but there's a boner around every corner.


As stated, there's no story, just a loosely connected series of events. After yet another strike-out evening on the phone with Betty (Amy Farber), pleading with her for sex, good ol' Arch sets his sights on the much looser Ronnie (hot, bosomy, all-natural, gum-snapper Gail Lorber), a dismissive cheerleader who thinks he's a nerd. But who knows what she'll do if she's bored enough?



During a high school basketball game, Archie sees one of the cheerleaders pulling out a wedgie, and gets a boner. The coach, of course, wants to put him in the game at exactly that moment. He feigns a sore ankle to avoid embarrassment ("I had a case of Petrus Erectus", he tells Mughead) and limps off the court.


Somehow or another, he and Mughead end up in the girl's locker room.
Suddenly, the cheerleaders come bounding in, so the fellas jump into garbage cans. Through the slit in the can, the boys watch as the girls spray their vaginas with feminine deodorant spray. Archie gets caught and the girls drag him into the grubbiest shower this side of a Saw movie. And that's it. Fade out.


There's a weird scene under a bridge where Archie and Reggie run into a dude named Jesus who offers them a look at his sister's naked body. They pay him a dollar and she flashes for them. Reggie needs more interaction, so he pays an extra buck to feel her up, and she says, "You can touch, but you can't have my cherry, meester. I'm saving that until I'm sixteen."
Archie is understandably creeped out by the whole set-up, so he splits. As he's leaving, Reggie says, "Hey Arch, you know the cure for blue balls? Scratch 'em until they turn red."


Later on Archie runs into Ronnie, who is in a phone-booth, making a call. He jumps in with her and tries to molest her.
"Get offa me, Archie," Ronnie says. "You are so uncool."
They take a cab ride and Archie spends the whole time trying to jam his head between Ronnie's legs. Eventually, they end up in a motel room. Turns out Ronnie's been doing porn on the side, and she shoots a scene with a dude wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. But the guy starts crying halfway through. Apparently, he's just discovered he's gay.


Naturally, Archie is recruited to bang Ronnie, but before he can slip it in, the hotel manager starts banging on the door and they have to make a quick escape.
Out on the balcony, rock-hard erection in hand, Archie begs Ronnie for relief.
"Oh Archie," she laughs. "You are such a nerd."


It should be noted that, although Hot Times is lousy with boobs and bush, all the curse words are bleeped out. Apparently, this is for comic effect, ala South Park, but it's utilized so often it becomes positively grating. Almost as grating as the cartoon "Boing!" that's played every time one of the characters gets an erection.

For whatever reason, Archie decides to spy on his sister as she takes a shower and shaves her armpits. She catches him and screams for her parents, and when his dad barges into the bathroom, he is momentarily struck numb by the sight of his daughter's tits. It is unclear whether it is the actor or the character that is enamored with her admittedly well-ripened melons, but it's a very odd moment nonetheless. Is incest a big part of the Andrews tradition? Anyway, dad chases him around the yard as music lifted from a Looney Tunes cartoon is played on the soundtrack.

And so on. Eventually, Archie wanders into Times Square on New Year's Eve where he meets "The Protein Queen." She finally straightens him out.


Listen, if you'd like to go blind trying to see mid 70's bush or the ball drop in Times Square on New Year's Eve in 1973, you are very much in luck, because you'll get that here. If you want to see awkwardly edited shots of scuzzy local NYC businesses that may or may not have loaned McBride some dough to get this thing made, than bingo!


Also, if you miss the days when comedy was not funny ("Got a match?" "Yeah, your face and a buffalo fart!"), once again, this is the movie for you. Every one else should probably seek their thrills elsewhere. Interestingly, Jim McBride eventually learned to make movies for real. He directed both The Big Easy (1987) and Great Balls of Fire (1989), before settling in as a TV director. It should also be noted that he scored an earlier cult hit with David Holzman's Dairy (1967), which I was forced to watch once, about 20 years ago. To be honest, I'd rather see this one again. At least it had vaginas. Bushy vaginas, but vaginas, nonetheless.

Archie and his gang did not continue on in the acting field, although I would not be surprised if Gail Lorber really did shoot a few XXX loops on the weekends. I woulda bought some. She was a natural.

Availability: Hot Times is available on VHS.
Buy Hot Times at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

Goin' All the Way (1982)

Directed by Robert Freedman
Starring Eileen Davidson, Dan Waldman, Deborah Van Rhyn
Rated R
USA
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"Wendy's late with her period again. Looks like I'm gonna have to break up with her."

Goin' All the Way appears to take place in some alternate 1963-ish version of 1982, where teenagers hang out at malt shops and go roller-skating. It's a jarring hodge-podge of old-fashioned values, kitchen sink 80's references, and some late-in-the-game stabs at sleaze during the climax. It's like an Archie comic with tits.

As our story begins, we meet dimwit Artie (Dan Waldman) and his uptight best-girl Monica (Deborah Van Rhyn), who are necking - that feels like the appropriate term - in Artie's car, currently parked in Artie's parents' garage. As fellas are wont to do, he would like to take things further, but Monica protests. "What, is it my breath?" Artie asks. "Do I have BO? Is it because I don't have a thing? Because there's Saran Wrap in the kitchen, that'll do in a pinch."
Fucker wants to use sandwich wrap for a condom. No wonder his girlfriend won't fuck him.
Next day at school, Artie's getting razzed by his constantly-scheming best-bud Reggie (Joe Colligan) a douchebag in a Members Only jacket who starts yelling, "Hey everybody, Artie Mulligan's got blue balls!"
What a prick.
The rather uneventful day at Riverdale High or wherever they are rolls on. We are introduced to the girl's weightlifting team, a quartet of hard-nosed she-men led by one Boom Boom (Rachel Spooner), a tough chick with a lesbian haircut and tree-trunk thighs. There is trouble in muscle-chick land today, as one of the girls shows up with a shiner, a tough-love gift from Mitch (Alan Shubin), yet another doofus in this endless loser line-up.
Utilizing her severely limited (but still obviously intact) feminine wiles, 'Boom Boom' entraps Mitch by showing him her floppy tits in the locker room. The rest of the weightlifting team hold him down and shave his head. For some reason, there's gently wafting love-makin' music on the soundtrack during this scene.


Meanwhile, in aerobics class, our female leads (including fetching future soap opera queen Eileen Davidson) wear spandex leotards and gyrate their teenage hips for five or so minutes. Artie and Reggie are outside the gym, peeking in on them. Artie, who really does seem like a creep, is rubbing the crotch of his gym shorts the whole time. Gross.
"I don't know how much longer I can hold out," he tells Reg. If Monica doesn't put out soon, I don't know what I'll do."
"Just do like I do," Reggie says. "Don't take no for an answer."
What? Is Reggie some sort of rapist?
Aerobics class is followed by an extended shower scene with plenty of perky breast shots, including a few eyefuls of Davidson's celebrity skin. Finally, boner time!

After school, all the main characters congregate at a malt shop where they drink milkshakes, eat banana splits, and talk about the upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance. Seriously.

Nothing happens for many minutes until BJ (Davidson) calls up Monica and says, "Hey, do you think my boobs are getting bigger?" As she says this, she lifts up her shirt and fondles them. It almost makes the past half-hour of tedium worth it.
"Do you think I should send away for one of those bust developers?" She asks Monica.
"Why don't you just get one of those padded bras," Monica suggests.
"Oh Monica, you know bras give me a rash," BJ says, and hangs up on her.


And then everybody goes rollerskating.

And after they go rollerskating, they go to a diner, where Reggie does a fucking Paul Henreid impression. "You be Betty Davis," he says to his girlfriend, Wendy (Sylvia Summers). It is at this point where I begin to question director Robert Freedman's grasp on youth culture.

Things perk up a bit when Artie and Reggie pick up a couple of bony party girls who drink beer and make out with them in the back of their car. They decide to press their good luck by sneaking into a club that features female mud-wrestling. Since mud-wrangling was an alarmingly popular trend in the early 1980's (seriously, it was, I was there), we are treated to a fairly exhaustive match, filmed, like most events in this movie, in a static shot about ten miles from the action. This occurs so often in Goin' All the Way that it almost seems like we're eavesdropping on someone else's movie. Anyway, at some point, Reggie and Artie get dragged into the mudpit. Whatever.


Some unspecified time later, the girls all get together and watch porn on the top-loading, 700 lb VCR. Then they have a party, where everybody's feelings get hurt. But something tells me, it'll all get sorted out at the climactic Sadie Hawkins dance.


Hey, guess what? Everything gets sorted out at the dance. The fat bully even gets mauled by the lesbian power-lifters.

Amateurish and uneventful, unless you're a fan of Eileen Davidson, than there is really no reason to suffer through this. If only someone had told me that 87 minutes ago.

I know, girls, I know. I feel the same way.

Availability: Goin' All the Way is available on VHS.
Buy Goin' All the Way at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

Cherry Hill High (1977)

Directed by Alex E. Goitein
Starring Nina Carson, Lynn Hastings, Gloria Upson, Stephanie Lawlor, Linda McInerney
Rated R
USA
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Cherry Hill High is the directorial debut from the visionary genius behind Cheerleaders Beach Party (1978). It's a simple story about five recent high school gradates out on a two-week bicycle tour with one of their former teachers, Miss Woodruff (Linda McInerney). On their first night on the road, the girls discuss sex around a crackling campfire and discover that they have something in common: they're all virgins. The seemingly repressed Miss Woodruff shocks her young charges when she suggests they have a contest - whoever gets deflowered in the most novel manner before the trip is over wins. And so, the formerly tame bicycle tour turns into a lascivious romp into the dark, lusty heart of teen sexuality, circa 1977. Well, that's the plan, anyway. It's still a pretty tame tour, but at least now there's the promise of booby-flash.

Refreshingly free of unnecessary subplot, Cherry Hill High goes about its horny work with great economy. Every scene following the set-up is dedicated specifically to getting its protagonists laid. First one to go is Kippy (Carrie Olsen), who runs into a loudmouth shark wrangler named Abalone. Abalone, it seems, has trained a shark named Hustler to wrestle him nightly at a local...well, it looks like a local swimming pool. It's a very lucrative scam, apparently.
"I raised him in the pool meself," Abalone brags. "He's a pool shark."
Kippy and her mustached lover have sex in the pool. In the shark cage, no less, with Hustler swimming hungrily around them. Kippy, being a virgin, bleeds. Blood is not in Hustler's contract. Abolone is forced to stab his pet shark to death before he eats them both.

So, Kippy scores pretty high on that one.

Next to spread 'em is Peaches (Gloria Upson), who attracts the leader of a biker gang as she's bent over on the side of the road, attempting to fix her bicycle. The two take off together and end up stripping down in a breezy meadow.


When the biker pops off his helmet, it turns out he's actually a woman. This offers no initial problems for Peaches - it is 1977, after all - but the rest of the girls are concerned about the lack of penis involved. So, two scenes later, Peaches bangs some dude in his car during a demolition derby. That one, they give a thumbs-up to.

The girls stop off in a small town and Michelle, the 'French' one (the decidedly non-French sounding Lynn Hastings), meets a dude with sharp fingernails and a Bela Lugosi accent. He, of course, knows where they can all stay tonight. Nice place, a mansion, in fact, but...it may be haunted!

After an interminable scene where teach and Frenchy Scooby Doo around the mansion, Michelle finally meets up with Dracula Jr. and they fuck in a coffin.

Later still, they stop at a winery and the girls soak each other with the red stuff while their teacher wanders off with the suave wine guy. She has sex with him while a flamenco guitar plays. In a pile of grapes, no less. Who could resist?


Meanwhile, the girls strip down to their underwear and continue to pour wine on each other. And then they wash their wine-soaked clothes in the river. Finally, boner time!
Ah, but the multi-topless frolic scene is short-lived, as we must return to this stupid fucking contest.

Sarah (Nina Carson) runs into a guy in a Big Bird outfit. No reason, he's just there.
He's an extra on a game show called It's a Big Deal, an obvious rip-off of the legendary Monty Hall-hosted Let's Make a Deal.
"Are you the booby prize?" She asks Big Bird.
"Sometimes a booby. Always a prize!" He says. "Cluck cluck!" He clucks a lot, this guy.
He gives her a backstage tour of the show, ending, as you would, with his nest. Nature takes its inexorable course. A few minutes later, the curtain goes up and naturally, the crowd sees them having sex.
"Oh, that fucking chicken!" Says the host.


Allison (Stephanie Lawlor) is the last virgin left, but she's in love with Larry, a lowly telephone installer from back home, so who knows if she'll do anything. But then, very suddenly, a UFO drops down, and a bug-eyed alien comes out and fetches her. He brings her back onto his spaceship and starts rubbing her arm.
Outside the spaceship, the girls applaud.
"Now that's sexy!" Says Peaches. "Far out!"
Inside, Sarah rebuffs the spaceman.
"Is it because I'm blue?" He asks.
"No, it's because I'm in love."
This cracks the spaceman up. And then he pulls off his head. It's a mask. Holy smokes, it's that fuckin' dimwit Larry.
"It can't get anymore original than this," Larry says. He's got a point there. "You're sure to win the contest now."
"I don't want it to be like this," she tells him, "all gimmicky and weird."
Good lord, what's a guy gotta do to bang this chick?


Increasingly long story short, Larry, it turns out, doesn't really work for the phone company. He's really some rich asshole with a castle. He was just pretending to be an aw-shucks guy to find a 'real' girl. They split. The film ends with a reunion of the whole gang on a yacht, where Miss Woodruff decides who won the contest. Turns out that true love always wins out over lust. Really? Even in 1977?


The premise of Cherry Hill High was rife with possibility. It is, after all, the exact same plot as a thousand late 70's porn flicks. But the film suffers from a gauzy, Euro-porn shooting style - there are too many establishing shots of the girls gliding their 10-speeds down dirt paths, too many close-ups of indeterminate body parts during the sex scenes, and too few money shots to satisfy fans of teen-skin or 70's sleaze. On the positive side, the girls are all attractive, if a tad underfed (Stephanie Lawlor, in particular, is an absolute knockout), there are numerous 70's-intensive pop culture references (Peaches has a CB radio attached to the handlebars of her bicycle!), and the soundtrack has some satisfyingly raucous tracks from obscure mid-70's hard rock band Sweet Freedom.

Cherry Hill High had a decent run in drive-ins during the summer of '77, and did well enough for Goitein to make Cheerleaders Beach Party a year later, utilizing much of the same cast and crew. Greg Michaels, the actor who played Pile Driver, the demolition derby dude, went on to a short-lived career in porn (he appears in 1980's Sex Boat!), but neither director Goitein nor any of the girls in the cast continued making films after 1978. Both films received spotty VHS releases in the 80's, but have slipped into obscurity in the past 20 years. A pity, because they represent the lighter side of 70's skinema; in a genre that often went for full-bore, tits-out gonzo, Goitein's flirty little films were positively gentle. One parting criticism, though: in a film lousy with shots of girls-on-bicycles, there isn't one shot from the rear-view. Not one. As anyone who ever bought Queen's 1978 epic Jazz - the vinyl version, with the pull-out poster off the all-nude bicycle race - will tell you, there is no image quite as glorious as a fat-bottomed girl on a ten-speed. Shame on you, Mr. Goitein.


Availability: Cherry Hill High is available on VHS.
Buy Cherry Hill High at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

Teen Lust (1979)

AKA The Girls Next Door
Directed by James Hong
Starring Kristin Baker, Leslie Cederquist, Robert Gribbin, Michael Heit
Rated R
USA
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"Is this your cesspool superstar?"

I should mention at the top here that yes, that's the same James Hong as the one you're thinking of - the beloved character actor with over 300 acting credits to his name, from the maitre d' on the legendary Chinese Restaurant episode of Seinfeld, to the Japanese general in Airplane! (1980). He's been the go-to Asian character actor in films and television for over fifty years now. And, very occasionally, he directs. Besides this one, he's only taken the directorial reins on two other films: 1989's comic-horror romp The Vineyard, and Singapore Sling (2000), a low-budget thriller starring Shannon Tweed. Both have their own merits and flaws, but neither hold a candle to this, his incredible, frequently jaw-dropping directorial debut.

Teen Lust begins like all good teen sex comedies do: with a shot of a girl's ass. In this case, it belongs to the fetching Lee Ann Barnes, and it's being hugged ever so tightly by a heart-breaking pair of white hot pants. This is the film's money shot, and if it had ended there, we could all go home happy. But it is not the end, it is the beginning of one of the strangest cinematic rides you'll ever take.


Lee Ann plays DeDe, a thrill-seeking bimbo with feathered hair and a raging libido. At the film's opening, she's on the make, doing her damnedest to seduce Terry (Perry Lang), a generic nice guy and best friend to musclecar-driving superjerk Hotrod (Richard Singer). DeDe takes off her shirt to impress the boys. It is, in fact, a magnificently impressive sight. But when Terry and Hotrod's girlfriends show up, Terry shoves DeDe into the trunk of Hotrod's car. And leaves her there as the four go joyriding.

This is the first sign that all is not well with this group.


Kristen Baker - best known as the first kill in Friday the 13th, Part 2 - is Carol, the film's protagonist, and Terry's sometimes-girlfriend. She and her best friend Neeley (platinum-haired Leslie Cederquist), have just joined the volunteer police force. That is why this film is also known as Police Academy Girls, or, alternately, Girls Police Academy, although the film actually has very little to do with the police academy. It has very little to do with anything, really, except the near-constant humiliation of it's lead actress.

After their ride with a kidnapped DeDe, we are introduced to Carol's demented family. There's Dustin (Robert Sloane) her airplane-obsessed, mentally handicapped brother, who she promises to marry someday. I know how that sounds, and yes, it is extremely creepy, although not quite as creepy as the scenes with her father (Stan Kamber), a greasy bruiser who attempts to tongue-kiss her whenever she comes home. Mom (Dolly Carolla, a mousy blonde who cannot be more than three or four years older than Baker) is an unrepentant lush, who spends all of her time in the kitchen, slugging hard from the endless bottles of hooch she has hidden in every cupboard. It's no wonder that Carol is so interested in a job that involves a gun.

There are a few scenes where Carol receives police training, but it's obvious that the cops she travels with are only interested in sleeping with her. And on her second day of training, they put her on the vice squad, dressing her up like a street hooker and getting her to bait johns. Not surprisingly, she almost gets raped on the job. It will not be the last time that Hong uses rape as a gag. The whole fuckin' movie is a rape gag, really.


A little further on, there's a bit where she tries to get her mother to quit drinking by emptying her bottles in the sink while her mother screams and thrashes around. There's a punchline - mom glugs down yet another bottle while hugging her daughter - but it's still more disturbing than funny. And that's the main problem with this film: cruelty is often confused with humor. For example, there's a recurring gag with a heavy girl named Bambi (Liza Stanley) - every time she eats something, her mother slaps her face. It's admittedly funny the first time, but after the third or fourth time, it's just vindictive.

The second half of the film is just a blur of outrage. There's an exceedingly bizarre scene where Carol is making out with her goony boyfriend in his car. Suddenly the car starts rocking violently. It's being shaken by a group of 10-12 year old kids who proceed to punch him and hit him in the face with clumps of dirt. Then they drag Carol out of the car. She manages to wriggle free and takes off running, but they catch her and start tearing off her clothes. It's not until the cop shows up and threatens to shoot them that they leave, and even then, it's with shouts of "Oink Oink!"


Just who the fuck are these little savages?

Incidentally, while this scene is playing, you hear the future theme from The People's Court!

Carol comes home from her near-gang-rape to find her mother bent over the sink, getting banged by the crusty, bearded plumber ( an uncredited Buck Flower, naturally).


"How could you do this to daddy?" She cries.
"Oh, it's ok," her mom says. "Your daddy isn't really your father. Your father is impotent."
Carol is, understandably, incredulous. "What?" She asks. "Mom!"
"Oh, I'm not your mother, dear. You're adopted."

Next scene: Carol visits a priest, who has a slimy gas station mustache.
"I keep having dreams that I'm being raped, every night," she tells him.
"And by all different people. Not just men, women too. Maybe I'm queer!"
"I'm glad you came to me with this problem," says the priest. "You've helped me with my decision. This Sunday at church, I'm coming out of the closet."
"But, there's no closet in church." Can we get a cymbal crash, please?
"No, Carol. What I'm saying is...I'm sweet."
"Oh, you are sweet for listening to my problems."
"Carol, all I'm saying is to show your love. You know, all Hitler needed was a hug. Not that he was my type."

Back on vice duty, Carol finds out that her partner, Officer Drury (Robert Gribbin), is hopelessly in love with her. She finds this out because he rapes her in the front seat of her car. Some other cops show up to make sure everything's ok. They assume she's enjoying it, and take off.

Yes, this is still supposed to be a comedy.

Carol comes home dressed like a hooker, which excites dad. He lunges for her and topples down the stairs, hurting his back. He tells his wife to "Get Lena, she's the only one that can fix my back!"
Lena (Ernee Simpson) shows up soon after. She is a large black woman with a platinum white wig. She starts karate chopping his back while his wife points at him and yells, "Impotent! Impotent!"
"Carol honey, I want you to meet your real mother," Dad says, pointing to Lena.


Suddenly, a banana cream pie fight breaks out.

"Honey, I'm sorry I left you here with these honkies," Lena says. And then she splits.
Dustin, the handicapped son, starts playing the piano. You really can play!" says Carol.
"Sure I can," he says, in perfect English.
"And you can talk!"
"Of course I can talk, Carol."
Prior to this moment, he talked with a strange accent that was supposed to denote retardation, but actually made him sound deaf. Whatever.
"My mother won't let me marry a nigger," he says, out of fucking nowhere. And then he tries to molest Carol.
Carol runs out into the street just as Hotrod shows up to run over Dustin. And then he splits. Officer Drury shows up as Carol checks to see if Dustin's alive.
"I want to see you again tonight," he says, with complete disregard for what's happening.
"Why, so you can rape me again?" Carol asks.
"Who's this guy?" The cop says, finally realizing there's a body on the street.
"It's Dustin. We were going to get married."
"Well in that case, I hope he's dead," says the cop. And then he drives away.

It all ends in a chaotic wedding scene. Will Carol really marry her retarded brother? Or will she run away with the cop who raped her? And are those really her only choices?


Teen Lust is one of the weirdest and creepiest films you're likely to find in the teen sex comedy genre. All the humor is based on cruelty, and were it not for Kristin Baker's feather-light performance, this could easily devolve into grueling exploitation. I mean, this fucker is just plain mean. I cannot claim to know what James Hong's intentions were, but the end product feels like John Waters with a grudge. Interesting, there is no writing credit listed anywhere for this film. I'm guessing Charlie Manson.

Obviously, Teen Lust is mandatory viewing. You'll hate it so much that you'll love it. Just be sure not to watch it with your wife, sister, girlfriend, or mom, unless you want to spend the rest of the evening trying to explain just what your fuckin' problem is.

Kristin Baker, by the way, quit acting in 1987. Can you blame her?

Availability: Teen Lust is available on VHS.
Buy Teen Lust on Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre