Hot Times (1974)

Directed by Jim McBride
Starring Henry Cory, Gail Lorber, Amy Farber, Steve Curry
Rated R
USA
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"Hey Ma, he's making a milkshake all over the sheets."

There is no plot to this film, only a simple premise: Archie needs to get laid for the first time. Archie, you say? Yes, this is yet another raunchy sex comedy that borrows heavily from the world of Archie Andrews. That is, in fact, our protagonist's name, and he even wears a bowtie. He's much shabbier than the comic book version, though - picture Ben Stiller on a Thunderbird and cigarettes diet - and his version of Riverdale looks suspiciously like the Bronx. But he does have a gal-pal named Betty, and another one named Ronnie, as well as frien-emy called Reggie and a BFF named...well, Mughead, but close enough.

And that's really as clever as it gets. The entire script plays like a Borscsht Belt stand-up comedy routine from 1952, and rarely, if ever, lets up with the onslaught of tired gags. Stuff like this:

"Hey Arch, I got a new Polack joke for ya."
"Sure, Reg, but remember, Mughead is Polish."
"Ok, I'll say it slowly, then."

The production values are sub-porn; the whole film appears to have been shot with natural light and the boom mike is visible in half of the scenes. The girls are constantly peeling their clothes off, though, and every skin-on-skin scene looks like it could easily devolve into hardcore porn at any moment. So, even through the murk and sloppy editing, Hot Times keeps you on your toes. You'll have to squint, but there's a boner around every corner.


As stated, there's no story, just a loosely connected series of events. After yet another strike-out evening on the phone with Betty (Amy Farber), pleading with her for sex, good ol' Arch sets his sights on the much looser Ronnie (hot, bosomy, all-natural, gum-snapper Gail Lorber), a dismissive cheerleader who thinks he's a nerd. But who knows what she'll do if she's bored enough?



During a high school basketball game, Archie sees one of the cheerleaders pulling out a wedgie, and gets a boner. The coach, of course, wants to put him in the game at exactly that moment. He feigns a sore ankle to avoid embarrassment ("I had a case of Petrus Erectus", he tells Mughead) and limps off the court.


Somehow or another, he and Mughead end up in the girl's locker room.
Suddenly, the cheerleaders come bounding in, so the fellas jump into garbage cans. Through the slit in the can, the boys watch as the girls spray their vaginas with feminine deodorant spray. Archie gets caught and the girls drag him into the grubbiest shower this side of a Saw movie. And that's it. Fade out.


There's a weird scene under a bridge where Archie and Reggie run into a dude named Jesus who offers them a look at his sister's naked body. They pay him a dollar and she flashes for them. Reggie needs more interaction, so he pays an extra buck to feel her up, and she says, "You can touch, but you can't have my cherry, meester. I'm saving that until I'm sixteen."
Archie is understandably creeped out by the whole set-up, so he splits. As he's leaving, Reggie says, "Hey Arch, you know the cure for blue balls? Scratch 'em until they turn red."


Later on Archie runs into Ronnie, who is in a phone-booth, making a call. He jumps in with her and tries to molest her.
"Get offa me, Archie," Ronnie says. "You are so uncool."
They take a cab ride and Archie spends the whole time trying to jam his head between Ronnie's legs. Eventually, they end up in a motel room. Turns out Ronnie's been doing porn on the side, and she shoots a scene with a dude wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. But the guy starts crying halfway through. Apparently, he's just discovered he's gay.


Naturally, Archie is recruited to bang Ronnie, but before he can slip it in, the hotel manager starts banging on the door and they have to make a quick escape.
Out on the balcony, rock-hard erection in hand, Archie begs Ronnie for relief.
"Oh Archie," she laughs. "You are such a nerd."


It should be noted that, although Hot Times is lousy with boobs and bush, all the curse words are bleeped out. Apparently, this is for comic effect, ala South Park, but it's utilized so often it becomes positively grating. Almost as grating as the cartoon "Boing!" that's played every time one of the characters gets an erection.

For whatever reason, Archie decides to spy on his sister as she takes a shower and shaves her armpits. She catches him and screams for her parents, and when his dad barges into the bathroom, he is momentarily struck numb by the sight of his daughter's tits. It is unclear whether it is the actor or the character that is enamored with her admittedly well-ripened melons, but it's a very odd moment nonetheless. Is incest a big part of the Andrews tradition? Anyway, dad chases him around the yard as music lifted from a Looney Tunes cartoon is played on the soundtrack.

And so on. Eventually, Archie wanders into Times Square on New Year's Eve where he meets "The Protein Queen." She finally straightens him out.


Listen, if you'd like to go blind trying to see mid 70's bush or the ball drop in Times Square on New Year's Eve in 1973, you are very much in luck, because you'll get that here. If you want to see awkwardly edited shots of scuzzy local NYC businesses that may or may not have loaned McBride some dough to get this thing made, than bingo!


Also, if you miss the days when comedy was not funny ("Got a match?" "Yeah, your face and a buffalo fart!"), once again, this is the movie for you. Every one else should probably seek their thrills elsewhere. Interestingly, Jim McBride eventually learned to make movies for real. He directed both The Big Easy (1987) and Great Balls of Fire (1989), before settling in as a TV director. It should also be noted that he scored an earlier cult hit with David Holzman's Dairy (1967), which I was forced to watch once, about 20 years ago. To be honest, I'd rather see this one again. At least it had vaginas. Bushy vaginas, but vaginas, nonetheless.

Archie and his gang did not continue on in the acting field, although I would not be surprised if Gail Lorber really did shoot a few XXX loops on the weekends. I woulda bought some. She was a natural.

Availability: Hot Times is available on VHS.
Buy Hot Times at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

Goin' All the Way (1982)

Directed by Robert Freedman
Starring Eileen Davidson, Dan Waldman, Deborah Van Rhyn
Rated R
USA
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"Wendy's late with her period again. Looks like I'm gonna have to break up with her."

Goin' All the Way appears to take place in some alternate 1963-ish version of 1982, where teenagers hang out at malt shops and go roller-skating. It's a jarring hodge-podge of old-fashioned values, kitchen sink 80's references, and some late-in-the-game stabs at sleaze during the climax. It's like an Archie comic with tits.

As our story begins, we meet dimwit Artie (Dan Waldman) and his uptight best-girl Monica (Deborah Van Rhyn), who are necking - that feels like the appropriate term - in Artie's car, currently parked in Artie's parents' garage. As fellas are wont to do, he would like to take things further, but Monica protests. "What, is it my breath?" Artie asks. "Do I have BO? Is it because I don't have a thing? Because there's Saran Wrap in the kitchen, that'll do in a pinch."
Fucker wants to use sandwich wrap for a condom. No wonder his girlfriend won't fuck him.
Next day at school, Artie's getting razzed by his constantly-scheming best-bud Reggie (Joe Colligan) a douchebag in a Members Only jacket who starts yelling, "Hey everybody, Artie Mulligan's got blue balls!"
What a prick.
The rather uneventful day at Riverdale High or wherever they are rolls on. We are introduced to the girl's weightlifting team, a quartet of hard-nosed she-men led by one Boom Boom (Rachel Spooner), a tough chick with a lesbian haircut and tree-trunk thighs. There is trouble in muscle-chick land today, as one of the girls shows up with a shiner, a tough-love gift from Mitch (Alan Shubin), yet another doofus in this endless loser line-up.
Utilizing her severely limited (but still obviously intact) feminine wiles, 'Boom Boom' entraps Mitch by showing him her floppy tits in the locker room. The rest of the weightlifting team hold him down and shave his head. For some reason, there's gently wafting love-makin' music on the soundtrack during this scene.


Meanwhile, in aerobics class, our female leads (including fetching future soap opera queen Eileen Davidson) wear spandex leotards and gyrate their teenage hips for five or so minutes. Artie and Reggie are outside the gym, peeking in on them. Artie, who really does seem like a creep, is rubbing the crotch of his gym shorts the whole time. Gross.
"I don't know how much longer I can hold out," he tells Reg. If Monica doesn't put out soon, I don't know what I'll do."
"Just do like I do," Reggie says. "Don't take no for an answer."
What? Is Reggie some sort of rapist?
Aerobics class is followed by an extended shower scene with plenty of perky breast shots, including a few eyefuls of Davidson's celebrity skin. Finally, boner time!

After school, all the main characters congregate at a malt shop where they drink milkshakes, eat banana splits, and talk about the upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance. Seriously.

Nothing happens for many minutes until BJ (Davidson) calls up Monica and says, "Hey, do you think my boobs are getting bigger?" As she says this, she lifts up her shirt and fondles them. It almost makes the past half-hour of tedium worth it.
"Do you think I should send away for one of those bust developers?" She asks Monica.
"Why don't you just get one of those padded bras," Monica suggests.
"Oh Monica, you know bras give me a rash," BJ says, and hangs up on her.


And then everybody goes rollerskating.

And after they go rollerskating, they go to a diner, where Reggie does a fucking Paul Henreid impression. "You be Betty Davis," he says to his girlfriend, Wendy (Sylvia Summers). It is at this point where I begin to question director Robert Freedman's grasp on youth culture.

Things perk up a bit when Artie and Reggie pick up a couple of bony party girls who drink beer and make out with them in the back of their car. They decide to press their good luck by sneaking into a club that features female mud-wrestling. Since mud-wrangling was an alarmingly popular trend in the early 1980's (seriously, it was, I was there), we are treated to a fairly exhaustive match, filmed, like most events in this movie, in a static shot about ten miles from the action. This occurs so often in Goin' All the Way that it almost seems like we're eavesdropping on someone else's movie. Anyway, at some point, Reggie and Artie get dragged into the mudpit. Whatever.


Some unspecified time later, the girls all get together and watch porn on the top-loading, 700 lb VCR. Then they have a party, where everybody's feelings get hurt. But something tells me, it'll all get sorted out at the climactic Sadie Hawkins dance.


Hey, guess what? Everything gets sorted out at the dance. The fat bully even gets mauled by the lesbian power-lifters.

Amateurish and uneventful, unless you're a fan of Eileen Davidson, than there is really no reason to suffer through this. If only someone had told me that 87 minutes ago.

I know, girls, I know. I feel the same way.

Availability: Goin' All the Way is available on VHS.
Buy Goin' All the Way at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

Cherry Hill High (1977)

Directed by Alex E. Goitein
Starring Nina Carson, Lynn Hastings, Gloria Upson, Stephanie Lawlor, Linda McInerney
Rated R
USA
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Cherry Hill High is the directorial debut from the visionary genius behind Cheerleaders Beach Party (1978). It's a simple story about five recent high school gradates out on a two-week bicycle tour with one of their former teachers, Miss Woodruff (Linda McInerney). On their first night on the road, the girls discuss sex around a crackling campfire and discover that they have something in common: they're all virgins. The seemingly repressed Miss Woodruff shocks her young charges when she suggests they have a contest - whoever gets deflowered in the most novel manner before the trip is over wins. And so, the formerly tame bicycle tour turns into a lascivious romp into the dark, lusty heart of teen sexuality, circa 1977. Well, that's the plan, anyway. It's still a pretty tame tour, but at least now there's the promise of booby-flash.

Refreshingly free of unnecessary subplot, Cherry Hill High goes about its horny work with great economy. Every scene following the set-up is dedicated specifically to getting its protagonists laid. First one to go is Kippy (Carrie Olsen), who runs into a loudmouth shark wrangler named Abalone. Abalone, it seems, has trained a shark named Hustler to wrestle him nightly at a local...well, it looks like a local swimming pool. It's a very lucrative scam, apparently.
"I raised him in the pool meself," Abalone brags. "He's a pool shark."
Kippy and her mustached lover have sex in the pool. In the shark cage, no less, with Hustler swimming hungrily around them. Kippy, being a virgin, bleeds. Blood is not in Hustler's contract. Abolone is forced to stab his pet shark to death before he eats them both.

So, Kippy scores pretty high on that one.

Next to spread 'em is Peaches (Gloria Upson), who attracts the leader of a biker gang as she's bent over on the side of the road, attempting to fix her bicycle. The two take off together and end up stripping down in a breezy meadow.


When the biker pops off his helmet, it turns out he's actually a woman. This offers no initial problems for Peaches - it is 1977, after all - but the rest of the girls are concerned about the lack of penis involved. So, two scenes later, Peaches bangs some dude in his car during a demolition derby. That one, they give a thumbs-up to.

The girls stop off in a small town and Michelle, the 'French' one (the decidedly non-French sounding Lynn Hastings), meets a dude with sharp fingernails and a Bela Lugosi accent. He, of course, knows where they can all stay tonight. Nice place, a mansion, in fact, but...it may be haunted!

After an interminable scene where teach and Frenchy Scooby Doo around the mansion, Michelle finally meets up with Dracula Jr. and they fuck in a coffin.

Later still, they stop at a winery and the girls soak each other with the red stuff while their teacher wanders off with the suave wine guy. She has sex with him while a flamenco guitar plays. In a pile of grapes, no less. Who could resist?


Meanwhile, the girls strip down to their underwear and continue to pour wine on each other. And then they wash their wine-soaked clothes in the river. Finally, boner time!
Ah, but the multi-topless frolic scene is short-lived, as we must return to this stupid fucking contest.

Sarah (Nina Carson) runs into a guy in a Big Bird outfit. No reason, he's just there.
He's an extra on a game show called It's a Big Deal, an obvious rip-off of the legendary Monty Hall-hosted Let's Make a Deal.
"Are you the booby prize?" She asks Big Bird.
"Sometimes a booby. Always a prize!" He says. "Cluck cluck!" He clucks a lot, this guy.
He gives her a backstage tour of the show, ending, as you would, with his nest. Nature takes its inexorable course. A few minutes later, the curtain goes up and naturally, the crowd sees them having sex.
"Oh, that fucking chicken!" Says the host.


Allison (Stephanie Lawlor) is the last virgin left, but she's in love with Larry, a lowly telephone installer from back home, so who knows if she'll do anything. But then, very suddenly, a UFO drops down, and a bug-eyed alien comes out and fetches her. He brings her back onto his spaceship and starts rubbing her arm.
Outside the spaceship, the girls applaud.
"Now that's sexy!" Says Peaches. "Far out!"
Inside, Sarah rebuffs the spaceman.
"Is it because I'm blue?" He asks.
"No, it's because I'm in love."
This cracks the spaceman up. And then he pulls off his head. It's a mask. Holy smokes, it's that fuckin' dimwit Larry.
"It can't get anymore original than this," Larry says. He's got a point there. "You're sure to win the contest now."
"I don't want it to be like this," she tells him, "all gimmicky and weird."
Good lord, what's a guy gotta do to bang this chick?


Increasingly long story short, Larry, it turns out, doesn't really work for the phone company. He's really some rich asshole with a castle. He was just pretending to be an aw-shucks guy to find a 'real' girl. They split. The film ends with a reunion of the whole gang on a yacht, where Miss Woodruff decides who won the contest. Turns out that true love always wins out over lust. Really? Even in 1977?


The premise of Cherry Hill High was rife with possibility. It is, after all, the exact same plot as a thousand late 70's porn flicks. But the film suffers from a gauzy, Euro-porn shooting style - there are too many establishing shots of the girls gliding their 10-speeds down dirt paths, too many close-ups of indeterminate body parts during the sex scenes, and too few money shots to satisfy fans of teen-skin or 70's sleaze. On the positive side, the girls are all attractive, if a tad underfed (Stephanie Lawlor, in particular, is an absolute knockout), there are numerous 70's-intensive pop culture references (Peaches has a CB radio attached to the handlebars of her bicycle!), and the soundtrack has some satisfyingly raucous tracks from obscure mid-70's hard rock band Sweet Freedom.

Cherry Hill High had a decent run in drive-ins during the summer of '77, and did well enough for Goitein to make Cheerleaders Beach Party a year later, utilizing much of the same cast and crew. Greg Michaels, the actor who played Pile Driver, the demolition derby dude, went on to a short-lived career in porn (he appears in 1980's Sex Boat!), but neither director Goitein nor any of the girls in the cast continued making films after 1978. Both films received spotty VHS releases in the 80's, but have slipped into obscurity in the past 20 years. A pity, because they represent the lighter side of 70's skinema; in a genre that often went for full-bore, tits-out gonzo, Goitein's flirty little films were positively gentle. One parting criticism, though: in a film lousy with shots of girls-on-bicycles, there isn't one shot from the rear-view. Not one. As anyone who ever bought Queen's 1978 epic Jazz - the vinyl version, with the pull-out poster off the all-nude bicycle race - will tell you, there is no image quite as glorious as a fat-bottomed girl on a ten-speed. Shame on you, Mr. Goitein.


Availability: Cherry Hill High is available on VHS.
Buy Cherry Hill High at Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

Teen Lust (1979)

AKA The Girls Next Door
Directed by James Hong
Starring Kristin Baker, Leslie Cederquist, Robert Gribbin, Michael Heit
Rated R
USA
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"Is this your cesspool superstar?"

I should mention at the top here that yes, that's the same James Hong as the one you're thinking of - the beloved character actor with over 300 acting credits to his name, from the maitre d' on the legendary Chinese Restaurant episode of Seinfeld, to the Japanese general in Airplane! (1980). He's been the go-to Asian character actor in films and television for over fifty years now. And, very occasionally, he directs. Besides this one, he's only taken the directorial reins on two other films: 1989's comic-horror romp The Vineyard, and Singapore Sling (2000), a low-budget thriller starring Shannon Tweed. Both have their own merits and flaws, but neither hold a candle to this, his incredible, frequently jaw-dropping directorial debut.

Teen Lust begins like all good teen sex comedies do: with a shot of a girl's ass. In this case, it belongs to the fetching Lee Ann Barnes, and it's being hugged ever so tightly by a heart-breaking pair of white hot pants. This is the film's money shot, and if it had ended there, we could all go home happy. But it is not the end, it is the beginning of one of the strangest cinematic rides you'll ever take.


Lee Ann plays DeDe, a thrill-seeking bimbo with feathered hair and a raging libido. At the film's opening, she's on the make, doing her damnedest to seduce Terry (Perry Lang), a generic nice guy and best friend to musclecar-driving superjerk Hotrod (Richard Singer). DeDe takes off her shirt to impress the boys. It is, in fact, a magnificently impressive sight. But when Terry and Hotrod's girlfriends show up, Terry shoves DeDe into the trunk of Hotrod's car. And leaves her there as the four go joyriding.

This is the first sign that all is not well with this group.


Kristen Baker - best known as the first kill in Friday the 13th, Part 2 - is Carol, the film's protagonist, and Terry's sometimes-girlfriend. She and her best friend Neeley (platinum-haired Leslie Cederquist), have just joined the volunteer police force. That is why this film is also known as Police Academy Girls, or, alternately, Girls Police Academy, although the film actually has very little to do with the police academy. It has very little to do with anything, really, except the near-constant humiliation of it's lead actress.

After their ride with a kidnapped DeDe, we are introduced to Carol's demented family. There's Dustin (Robert Sloane) her airplane-obsessed, mentally handicapped brother, who she promises to marry someday. I know how that sounds, and yes, it is extremely creepy, although not quite as creepy as the scenes with her father (Stan Kamber), a greasy bruiser who attempts to tongue-kiss her whenever she comes home. Mom (Dolly Carolla, a mousy blonde who cannot be more than three or four years older than Baker) is an unrepentant lush, who spends all of her time in the kitchen, slugging hard from the endless bottles of hooch she has hidden in every cupboard. It's no wonder that Carol is so interested in a job that involves a gun.

There are a few scenes where Carol receives police training, but it's obvious that the cops she travels with are only interested in sleeping with her. And on her second day of training, they put her on the vice squad, dressing her up like a street hooker and getting her to bait johns. Not surprisingly, she almost gets raped on the job. It will not be the last time that Hong uses rape as a gag. The whole fuckin' movie is a rape gag, really.


A little further on, there's a bit where she tries to get her mother to quit drinking by emptying her bottles in the sink while her mother screams and thrashes around. There's a punchline - mom glugs down yet another bottle while hugging her daughter - but it's still more disturbing than funny. And that's the main problem with this film: cruelty is often confused with humor. For example, there's a recurring gag with a heavy girl named Bambi (Liza Stanley) - every time she eats something, her mother slaps her face. It's admittedly funny the first time, but after the third or fourth time, it's just vindictive.

The second half of the film is just a blur of outrage. There's an exceedingly bizarre scene where Carol is making out with her goony boyfriend in his car. Suddenly the car starts rocking violently. It's being shaken by a group of 10-12 year old kids who proceed to punch him and hit him in the face with clumps of dirt. Then they drag Carol out of the car. She manages to wriggle free and takes off running, but they catch her and start tearing off her clothes. It's not until the cop shows up and threatens to shoot them that they leave, and even then, it's with shouts of "Oink Oink!"


Just who the fuck are these little savages?

Incidentally, while this scene is playing, you hear the future theme from The People's Court!

Carol comes home from her near-gang-rape to find her mother bent over the sink, getting banged by the crusty, bearded plumber ( an uncredited Buck Flower, naturally).


"How could you do this to daddy?" She cries.
"Oh, it's ok," her mom says. "Your daddy isn't really your father. Your father is impotent."
Carol is, understandably, incredulous. "What?" She asks. "Mom!"
"Oh, I'm not your mother, dear. You're adopted."

Next scene: Carol visits a priest, who has a slimy gas station mustache.
"I keep having dreams that I'm being raped, every night," she tells him.
"And by all different people. Not just men, women too. Maybe I'm queer!"
"I'm glad you came to me with this problem," says the priest. "You've helped me with my decision. This Sunday at church, I'm coming out of the closet."
"But, there's no closet in church." Can we get a cymbal crash, please?
"No, Carol. What I'm saying is...I'm sweet."
"Oh, you are sweet for listening to my problems."
"Carol, all I'm saying is to show your love. You know, all Hitler needed was a hug. Not that he was my type."

Back on vice duty, Carol finds out that her partner, Officer Drury (Robert Gribbin), is hopelessly in love with her. She finds this out because he rapes her in the front seat of her car. Some other cops show up to make sure everything's ok. They assume she's enjoying it, and take off.

Yes, this is still supposed to be a comedy.

Carol comes home dressed like a hooker, which excites dad. He lunges for her and topples down the stairs, hurting his back. He tells his wife to "Get Lena, she's the only one that can fix my back!"
Lena (Ernee Simpson) shows up soon after. She is a large black woman with a platinum white wig. She starts karate chopping his back while his wife points at him and yells, "Impotent! Impotent!"
"Carol honey, I want you to meet your real mother," Dad says, pointing to Lena.


Suddenly, a banana cream pie fight breaks out.

"Honey, I'm sorry I left you here with these honkies," Lena says. And then she splits.
Dustin, the handicapped son, starts playing the piano. You really can play!" says Carol.
"Sure I can," he says, in perfect English.
"And you can talk!"
"Of course I can talk, Carol."
Prior to this moment, he talked with a strange accent that was supposed to denote retardation, but actually made him sound deaf. Whatever.
"My mother won't let me marry a nigger," he says, out of fucking nowhere. And then he tries to molest Carol.
Carol runs out into the street just as Hotrod shows up to run over Dustin. And then he splits. Officer Drury shows up as Carol checks to see if Dustin's alive.
"I want to see you again tonight," he says, with complete disregard for what's happening.
"Why, so you can rape me again?" Carol asks.
"Who's this guy?" The cop says, finally realizing there's a body on the street.
"It's Dustin. We were going to get married."
"Well in that case, I hope he's dead," says the cop. And then he drives away.

It all ends in a chaotic wedding scene. Will Carol really marry her retarded brother? Or will she run away with the cop who raped her? And are those really her only choices?


Teen Lust is one of the weirdest and creepiest films you're likely to find in the teen sex comedy genre. All the humor is based on cruelty, and were it not for Kristin Baker's feather-light performance, this could easily devolve into grueling exploitation. I mean, this fucker is just plain mean. I cannot claim to know what James Hong's intentions were, but the end product feels like John Waters with a grudge. Interesting, there is no writing credit listed anywhere for this film. I'm guessing Charlie Manson.

Obviously, Teen Lust is mandatory viewing. You'll hate it so much that you'll love it. Just be sure not to watch it with your wife, sister, girlfriend, or mom, unless you want to spend the rest of the evening trying to explain just what your fuckin' problem is.

Kristin Baker, by the way, quit acting in 1987. Can you blame her?

Availability: Teen Lust is available on VHS.
Buy Teen Lust on Amazon.
-Ken McIntyre

American Drive in (1985)

Directed by Krishna Shah
Starring Emily Longstreth, Patrick Kirton, Phil Fondacarlo
Rated R
USA

By 1985, when this film was released, the American drive-in was already in decline, suffering deep and fatal blows from the then-burgeoning VHS rental market. Although outdoor theaters do still exist in various spots all over the country, the drive-in as a lifestyle is long-gone, which raises this screwy movie from mere curiosity to a rare cultural artifact. Sure, the plot and gags are exaggerated, but the film's basic elements and the cross-section of everyday Americans who frequent the theater are very much in tune with the real drive-in movie experience. A night at the drive-in wasn't usually this exciting but, you know, it was close.

Probably the most remarkable thing about this movie is the head-spinning change in tone it takes by the second act. It begins in very typical 80's teen sex comedy fashion, introducing us to the cast of wacky characters that we'll be spending the night with: an uptight Mayoral candidate and his put-upon family, a group of fried chicken-gobbling fatties, two confused old women, a midget, a flamboyant gay couple, a half-assed biker gang, and our protagonists, city boy Jack (Patrick Kirton) and country girl Bobbie Ann (Emily Longstreth), a constantly-squabbling couple out on a date-from-hell. The movie everyone is there to see is none other than the infamous Hard Rock Zombies, a brain-boiling heavy metal horror that just happens to be director Krishna Shah's previous film. Cleverly, Shah recycles Hard Rock Zombie's mercilessly cheesy musical cues here, cutting away to the action on screen and it's slashing MOR keyboards and schmaltzy hairspray rock every time he needs to noise-up the action at the drive-in. Also borrowed from Hard Rock Zombies is its diminutive star, Phil Fondacaro. He's here to enjoy his own performance in Zombies as pint-sized Nazi henchman, which provides ample opportunity to show yet more footage from Shah's previous feature.


Elsewhere, there's councilman Winston (John Rice), forcing his children to try and buy drugs from the biker gang so that he may expose the drive-in as a cesspool of criminality, there's the boozy projectionist (Please Don't Eat My Mother's own Buck Kartalian at his wooziest) checking in every so often as a mumbly sort-of Greek Chorus, there's the car-load of horny teens in carnal embrace and the greasy-fingered chicken eaters embracing their own sort of carnality, and all the other colorful buffoons and losers you'd expect in this sort of environment. But things go decidedly off the rails when Bobbie Ann storms out of the van after arguing with her boyfriend and falls prey to the previously played-for-laughs biker goons. Said goons drag Bobbie Ann to some bleachers where they attempt to rape her. When Jack realizes what's happening, he rushes to her rescue, only to get beaten to a pulp. Bobbie Ann manages to escape and commandeer Jack's van; she picks him and plows through a crowd of gawkers to get out of the theater and take her broken boyfriend to the nearest hospital. Being a country girl and well-versed in firearms, she soon returns to the drive-in with a revolver, bloody revenge on her mind.


American Drive-in does such a bizarre 180-degree turn from old-lady gags to rape-revenge drama that it's hard to figure out what sort of movie it's supposed to be. Even with a reasonably happy ending, the near-rape of Bobbie Ann thoroughly kills the film's earlier mood. In Hard Rock Zombies, Shah committed a similar faux pas by introducing Nazis - and Hitler himself - into a tongue in cheek horror-comedy, which leads me to believe that the rape angle is less will-to-provoke than it is Shah's inability to understand the nuances of American culture. Still, even though it ceases to be funny at the hour point, it remains thoroughly engaging throughout, and the atmosphere is priceless. There really weren't very many films based in drive-ins, and as the years roll on, there is less and less of a chance to experience them yourself. Biker rape notwithstanding, if you can't get to a drive in yourself, American Drive-in serves as a pretty dead-on facsimile.


There are no boobs to speak of in American Drive-in, but it's subject matter and ragged, goofball charm has kept it in favor with 80's trash-hounds. Emily Longstreth, a striking young actress with penetrating eyes and a lithesome figure, had briefly become a cult icon by the time this was released. Besides this notable appearance, she co-starred with Johnny Depp in Private Resort (1985), and appeared in Hardbodies and Gimmie an F (both 1984). She had one more substantial role in Hollywood satire The Big Picture (1989), but did little of consequence afterwards. Her last known role was in 1994's Confessions of a Hitman. The trail goes cold from there, although there are hysterical-sounding internet rumors of degradation and suicide in New York City. She seemed pretty tough in this movie, though, so we're gonna assume she's happy, rich, and still sexy.

Link: Find out if there's any still-breathing drive-ins near you at the Drive In Database.

Availability: American Drive-in is available on DVD.
Buy American Drive-In at Amazon.

-Ken McIntyre

Bimbo Cheerleaders from Outer Space (1988)

Directed by John T Bone
Starring Tracey Adams, Vera Butler, Cheri Hill, Valentina, Randy Spears, Randy West
Rated XXX
USA

"Long ago in a galaxy far, far away called Pacoima, a group of brave junior college cheerleaders fought against uncoolness, negativity, and a teensy-weensy production budget..."

So begins the lo-fi, Star War-sy scrawl that announces this goofball porn satire of....well, goofball late-night cable programming. It stars (or, more accurately, toplines) real-life junior college graduate and beloved 80's fuck-flick starlet Tracey Adams, in a difficult dual role. On one level, she's Captain Bimbo, the leader of a crack crew of silicone-enhanced space-bimbos, on a mission to explore the mysterious Pancreas 4 planet. On another level, she's just an Earthbound cheerleader named Bambi with aspirations to direct, gamely attempting to perform a no-budget space opera with her bubble-headed pals.

The film opens with Captain Bimbo receiving a holographic transmission from Galactic (Randy West), her space boss. Bimbo's spaceship is constructed, quite literally, out of sheets of paper and flattened cardboard boxes. Knobs and switches are provided by black magic marker, and if Captain Bimbo needs some sort of high-tech communication device or interstellar space modulator, she just draws it. Or, if it no longer serves her purpose, she just rips it up, as she does with the holographic transmitter. Seems you can't suckle a holographic penis, so Mr. West had to break character and, you know, give her the real thing.


After their tryst, Bimbo has a cheerleading rehearsal with her crew. Said crew includes Scotti (Valentina), Laya (Cherry Hill), and, of course, Screwlu (Nina DePonca). To be honest, their cheering skills leave much to be desired, as does their lackluster chant:
"Two bits, four bits, six bits, a buck/We're the crew that loves to fuck
Aliens and members of the human race/Beam us up, and we'll sit on your face"
The random crashing cymbals on the soundtrack don't help much either. Anyway, after practice, Bimbo announces their mission to Pancreas 4. Pinky, of course, asks the obvious:
"What's a 'Pancreas 4'?
Captain Bimbo doesn't get it. She goes on to explain that they'll be spending the rest of their flight time having a pajama party. And then they have one. Things quickly get out of hand, as they often do at pajama parties.

Later on, Laya runs a security check of the ship. She does this by walking by the same upside-down triangle over and over, stopping every time to talk into a magic marker TV set.
"Deck 12, all clear...deck 13, all clear, deck 118, all clear..."
Eventually, she runs into a dude wearing a poncho and a werewolf mask (Randy Spears).
"Freeze, intruder!" She says. Since she has no gun, she just makes one by pointing her finger at him.
"My name is Chewy," he tells her. "I'm a nookie."
Exasperated, Screwlu...er, Vera...breaks the fourth wall.
"Look, I know you spent all that time in study class writing this, Bambi," she tells the director/space captain, "But I just can't say this line. It's ridiculous."
Bimbo/Bambi/Tracey is not about to let her movie be ruined by a cranky actress.
"Just say the line, and Steve here can pork your puss."
She says her line. And Steve/Chewy porks her puss.


Some time later, the ship hits a meteroid belt. This effect is achieved by turning on a yellow lightbulb and throwing cheeseballs at their paper towel tube rocket ship model.
"I need a damage report!" Bimbo yells into an unconnected phone receiver.
"I'm sorry guys," she says. "I just got the damage report. There's no fruit juice tonight."
Visibly disappointed, the crew goes about the difficult work of repairing their damaged spaceship. With Scotch tape.

Eventually, the crew lands on Pancreas 4, where they greet the Queen (Eva Allen, in some sort of new-wave/S&M outfit) and the lisping King (Robert Bullock, in a mustache, crown, and nothing else).
"We're here to bring peace to your land!" announces Captain Bimbo.
"Good," says the Queen. I could use a piece, after being stuck on this godforsaken rock with this limp-dicked fairy."
In order to extract more information from the Queen, Captain Bimbo has sex with her.
Works like a charm.



Turns out, the king is the last man on Pancreas 4, and if he doesn't go straight and start impregnating the women-folk, his people will die out. And who, I ask you, is more equipped at turning gay men straight then bimbo cheerleaders?

Indeed. Their mission accomplished, Bimbo and her crew head off to their next grand adventure.
"Warp speed one jillion-quadrillion," Bimbo says, as they blast off.


Taking its cues equally between Nick Zedd's gutter-budget primitivism and Ed Wood's hallucinatory ineptitude, Bimbo Cheerleaders from Outer Space is a colorful and frequently hilarious mash-up of Plan Nine and Geek Maggot Bingo with a dash of John Waters and a whiff of George Lucas. Tracey Adams - who would later join the star-making improv group The Groundlings - shows off her impeccable comic timing here, delivering her lines with a knowing wink and a generous smile. Interestingly, the whole cast seems to have anticipated the awkward silences and mumbly delivery of post-ironic comedy in the YouTube era by a good two decades, and looks, for all intents and purposes, like a modern-day sketch troop lampooning an ancient porn cheapie. Shot well after the triple X feature had devolved into plotless, generic sports-fucking, Bimbos is that rare treat: a fully serviceable stroke flick that's just as much fun to watch with your pants on.

-Ken McIntyre

Totally radical and outerspacey: Bimbo Cheerleaders intro

Gimme an F (1984)

Directed by Paul Justman
Starring Stephen Shellen, John Karlan, Sarah Miles, Karen Lee Kelly
Rated R
USA
Shop for this poster!

"Hey Sissy, when you can piss in a balloon, then you can aim it."

For a movie about rival cheerleaders who descend on a place called Camp Beaverview to do battle, Gimme an F is a terribly boring film. The plot centers around two cheer squads - the Stepford Wives-y Falcons, who win every year, and the Moline Ducks, a gentle-spirited group of girls who dress in classic 60's-era outfits, and act like the 80's never happened. There's a third team in the mix as well - the Demons, who wear bright red lipsticks and racy outfits. They don't really have much to do, but they look pretty cool.

The school/camp is run by the flamboyant Doctor Spirit (John Karlan, perhaps most well known as Tyne Daly's loving husband on Cagney and Lacey). Doctor Spirit dresses like the squarest pimp alive and seems to be perpetually working out some cheerleader-related scam. As the film opens, he is looking to expand his business to foreign markets, so he's brought in a group of Japanese businessman to check the place out. They wander around throughout the movie, silent spectators with spy cameras.

Into this boiling cesspool of boredom enters one Tommy (Stephen Shellen), a young and absurdly intense cheerleading coach at perpetual odds with Doctor Spirit. I'm not sure why, though. I think he may want sleazier outfits or something, because at one point, Doctor Spirit says:"Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. You know that sex has nothing to do with cheerleading."

See the dramatic confrontation below.



Anyway, once Tommy shows up, they have a big show with dancing and acrobats. Tommy dances with this other dude in a twirly number heavy with homoerotic overtones. The film never recovers from this awkward scene; the rest of it's running time appears wholly dedicated to Tommy and his fancy footwork. Aside from his bullshit dancing, there's a mere wisp of a plot that bubbles up here and there, as he takes the Ducks under his wing and trains them in the ancient arts of cheerleader-Fu.
"Let me tell you something, Bucky," he says to Doctor Spirit at one point, "I can turn a tube of toothpaste into a world class cheerleader."

Even without Tommy's help, you already know the Ducks will defeat the Falcons at the climactic cheer-off. It's painfully obvious. I mean, the Ducks are the only ones with ponytails. So he doesn't bother doing much training. He just screams at them a few times, and then breaks into dance. He even does a strip-dance in the shower at one point.

The only scene remotely resembling a teen sex comedy comes halfway in, when the Ducks and the Demons decide to sneak out of camp at night and visit a local bar. Although the bar appears to be filled with regular dudes, the entertainment is yet more guys in tight pants dancing. It's a little confusing, but what the hell, the girls seem to be having a good time. Until Tommy shows up.

Tommy is not just a bore, but a killjoy, as well. He decides it's time for the girls to get back to the camp. Somehow he ends up with a red white and blue dildo in his hand. When he pries one of the girls away from the dude at the bar, dude says, "You gonna zap me with that, or suck it?"

At one point, a dude wearing a cape crashes his motorcycle through the back wall of the dance club/gay disco/whatever it is. That part was pretty good.

The first glimpse of breasts comes when some of the girls are getting ready for the climactic cheer-off. Perhaps sensing that this will be our only chance at any sort of action in this dumb movie, the Japanese businessmen from the beginning swoop in to snap pictures of them.

The last 20 minutes is dedicated to the dance-off. The lead Falcon is distracted by this guy dressed up like Wez from the Road Warrior, so she falls over and blows their score. The Ducks win. Like anybody gives a fuck. Roll credits.



People will tell you that Gimme an F is the worst cheerleader movie ever, and you will scoff, because really, how could a cheerleader movie possibly be bad? And so you will watch it. And then you'll understand what they were talking about. With zero sleaze, the barest minimum of skin, and more scenes of dudes dancing in tight pants than an entire season of Dance Fever, Gimme an F is truly a nadir in teensploitation cinema. It's basic premise was lifted whole-hog sixteen years later for the vastly superior Bring It On series, so if you are truly hungry for a rival cheerleader movie with a dance number every five minutes, seek those out and leave this one to die.

Gimme an F?
You got it.

Availability: Gimme an F is available on VHS.
Buy Gimme an F on Amazon.

-Ken McIntyre